Wednesday, December 30, 2009

5 months

Hi Princess,
I can't believe it's been 5 months since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like it's been 5 years and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. To me, you should still be a newborn baby, because that was the last time I saw you. So tiny and fragile and completely dependent on Mommy and Daddy. We would have taken such gentle care of you, princess. But really you should be a beautiful little 5 month old now. Sitting up on your own (but oopsie, falling down backwards all the time, poor little princess!), smiling and cooing at us, not yet afraid of strangers so EVERYONE wants to hold Kathlyn and Mommy just wants her back! I know you'd have such big personality already too. I just can't believe I'm missing out on all of that. My heart is broken without you princess. I know you don't understand that feeling at all, because you are safe where you are. But I would have done my very best to keep you safe here. And I'm sorry that I didn't, princess. I'm sorry you had to go. Can you come back? Pretty please? I would have a lot of explaining to do if you did! Wow! But Mommy would figure something out. Anything to have my baby back. My little princess. Happy 5 months in heaven, my sweet.
Today is a special day for Daddy and me, too. Today, 3 years ago, Daddy and I got married. It was a cool but mild winter day. It was raining just a little, but we got married outside and it was perfect. We have such a perfect, pure love for each other, and that is what made YOU... Kathlyn Joy Davis, the one and only ever little princess. I looked at Daddy the other day while he was sleeping and I could see your face. You look just like Daddy... the two most beautiful people I have ever seen. How did I get such beauty surrounding me? Oh Kathlyn, I wish you could stay so I could see how much more beautiful you would have become. What a site for my sore, tired eyes. I'm sorry, angel. I hope you can understand, but without the hurt or pain, how sad I am. How could I not be sad without you? You're my baby! My daughter, my only child! I grew you inside me until you were just perfectly ready to come, and then you had to go... that was such a large piece of my heart, a large piece of everything inside of me. I feel so empty without you, Kathlyn. Is there anything you can do to make Mommy feel better? Mommy loves you.. Mommy is so selfish to want you here with me. There is hurt in this world and not hurt in the world where you are. But there is beauty in this world too. It's harder for Mommy to see right now, but it's there. And I would have shown you. We would have experienced it together. And I would have hoped to teach you to be a million times better person than I am. One day, I would have hoped to help you raise your babies too. After stories, playdates, homework, birthday parties, graduations, a wedding.. so many hopes and dreams for my baby.. all gone. I just can't think of anything sadder than a little newborn baby dying. I'm so sorry, Kathlyn. For everthing.. Mommy's so sorry. I love you. I love more deeply because of you. You're still my baby.

Always and forever,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Baby Hampton

Hi Katie-Bear,
Mommy loves you! Today make sure you say Happy 1st Birthday to Baby Hampton! I met his Mommy and we are both so sad without our sweet babies. I wish you could tell me.. is he a newborn baby still or is he a 1 year old now? Either way, I hope you get to play together and have some blue birthday cupcakes with him. I will write to you again tomorrow for your special day. Although I know every day in Heaven is special because YOU are there.. that's right.. you are the most beautiful baby girl angel there is and ever was. Mommy misses you and loves you so much! Kisses to the sky for you my angel, you are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Friday, December 25, 2009

It's Christmas, after all. So why not write you a hundred letters or more? I write them to you every second in my head anyway. Kisses to the sky baby girl. Mommy misses you! I would give anything, anything, anything to see you smile. Or to hear you cry. You are still my baby. And you are so loved and internationally mourned. Look at what Miss Catherine said about you. She lives in a different country from Mommy.. she lives in the United Kingdom. Catherine, Georgina's Mommy, is so very, very sad. Do you know baby Georgina, sweetheart? She's an angel too.

I turned the radio off.
I watched the cold snow falling in fat clumps.
I felt the fuggy warmth inside the car.
I felt the heat of the tears on my face.

I opened the window and whispered names into the cold, snowy air.
In a traffic jam.
On the outskirts of a boring suburban town.
Stuck on a motorway junction.
I whispered all the names I could think of.

I wish that I hadn't been stuck on a motorway junction.

I wish that I could have gone to a more beautiful location to remember (although the town I live in is one that is arguably improved by being rendered invisible beneath the snow.)

I wish that I could have said something more eloquent, more beautiful, more graceful.

But then, what could possibly be more graceful than their names.

I whispered all the names out of my car window.
The cold stung my face which was rosy from the car heater.

Then I said 'You are remembered. You are missed. You are loved.'

Then I put the window up.
The traffic hadn't moved an inch.
For a moment, I almost felt as though we had gathered for that purpose.
To remember.
That we were waiting for the end of the ceremony.
That we would disperse immediately my last whisper steamed up into the snowy air.

But of course, we didn't.
I sat there in the traffic jam and I cried some more.
For all those whose lives were so short. Whose moments between the big horizons of human life were so brief, so tentative.
For all of us here who miss them so. Who love them so.

I miss you and love you so, my baby. Can you hear when we say your name?

I love you, Kathlyn Joy.

Forever and ever yours,
oh! I forgot! Tell Jesus that I said "Happy Birthday!" Thanks, baby girl!

Here also are two poems that Mommy found that made me think of you. They came with two sweet little angel pins.

"I'll Be Home for the Holidays"
This thoughtful little angel is bringing a message your way.
Listen very carefully, and this is what you'll hear it say.
It's that time of year when it's really sad to be apart,
So, I'll be home for the holidays,
if only in your heart.

"Happy Holidays to My Daughter"
Christmas trees, mistletoe and holiday cheer,
it is a busy time of year.
A time to reflect, a time to think of those we hold so dear.
A time to send messages upon thoughtful little angel wings.
Messages to wish you wonderful things,
and all the JOY the season brings.

Love you forever,

Baby's First Christmas

My little Christmas angel,
Mommy loves you! I know you aren't here with us.. but Daddy and I wanted to give you some things for Christmas. Remember sweet angel, we don't know what it's like where you are. You can teach us all about it some day. What a special girl you are, to teach your Mommy and Daddy. Where you are, you must have all the presents you want! I hope so my princess. But we still wanted you to have some presents here too. Mommy bought you a Christmas blanket, a bib that looks like a present, a police car, an angel doll, a pink phone that plays music, and a sweet red sleeper that says "baby's first Christmas." The white sleeper is from Mommy's friend (the same one that gave you your duckie costume for Halloween!). Your friend Lauren wore it for Christmas last year! Gram sent a very special pink puppy that you can name a star with! She also sent you your puzzle bench that all the cousins get after they are born! But my very favorite present for my baby girl is this doll named Joy. She has dark hair and blue eyes, just like you, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl. And her name is Joy just like your middle name! She's going to sit in your crib next to your new elephant there too. He plays "rock a bye baby" when you pull his tail! I hope you have all these things to play with where you are. And I hope someday your little baby sister and brother can play with your things.. and Mommy will think of you! I think of you ALWAYS, Kathlyn. You are still my baby!

Love you forever,

*for those reading Katie's letters, click to see the full photos, as the too-thin blogging area doesn't show the whole thing. Katie-baby, I hope you can see everything from where you are, sweet angel! Kisses for you...

Monday, December 21, 2009

oh Kathlyn,
I miss you so much. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I search and search and search for something to make it ok.. to make sense of this. But I will never be able to do that. I will never find anything that will make you not being here ok. No matter how many more babies I have, it will never be ok without you Kathlyn. I was so happy and exicted waiting for you: the happiest of my life, baby girl. And I didn't get to bring you home. I want to ask you for something to make me feel better; but there's nothing. Only going back in time and being able to bring you home with me would make it better. And I don't think God would let you do that.

I'm so sorry sweet baby. You're still mine.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Kathlyn's Stockings and Ornaments

Hello my sweet!
I just wanted to show you some of the things I have for you around the house! Mommy has FOUR stockings for you Kathlyn. That's right my baby, you are so special you get to have FOUR! One that says Katie, which matches Daddy's! One that says Kathlyn, and two that are PINK for a baby girl! Your friend baby Lauren, and her sisters Meghan and Nicki, used the pink one with the snowman when they had their first Christmases, and their mommy wanted you to have it. She gave it to me when yo were still inside of me, but we knew you were going to be a girl! So sweet! I think I might put it up every year for you anyway, baby girl, even when it isn't your first Christmas anymore. Because you are still my baby, forever! I also wanted you to see all the pretty angels and ornaments we have for you. You will just have to wait until Christmas to see the presents!

Love you forever,

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas Presents to honor Kathlyn

Hi angel,
I miss you! Mommy is so sad that you aren't here to celebrate the Christmas season with me. I know I would be buying so many nice things for you, and that makes me so sad. I have to remind myself that you have EVERYTHING you need where you are. I still wish you were here.. you are still my baby. Kisses for you my angel.. kisses forever and ever.. I hope even though you have everything you need and more, that you can still feel my kisses.... they are part of it, right?! Part of all that love you feel where you are? I hope so, princess. Mommy loves you so much!

I want to show you all the things that I bought for some little girls who might not have everything a little girl should have for Christmas like Daddy and I would have been able to provide for you, our sweet little princess. Mommy tried to pick out some of your toys to give to those girls, but I just couldn't do it! I want to keep your toys for now. They remind me of you... they are YOURS. I am not ready to give them away, my sweet. So I bought some new things instead. The first picture is for a little baby named Katherine and she is 3 months old... that is almost your name and almost your age.. isn't that sweet and perfect, baby girl?! I thought so. Her name was on something called an "Angel Tree" which people can buy things for little children in need. Those were your diapers, and that is your little pink outfit and your little brunette angel there. The rest, Mommy bought for sweet little Katherine, to be from you, my sweet little Kathlyn! I hope she loves her things, even though she will never know they came straight from the sweetest little baby angel there is! The little dolls, when you push their bellies, say "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight, Amen." Mommy thought that was so perfect! I bought the blonde baby for her, and the brunette one dressed like an angel to keep in your room.

The second picture is also for little children in need, but I don't know their names or their ages, baby girl. Maybe you can peek and find out for yourself! They are just for a special group called "The Empty Stocking" and I decided to buy all baby toys again so it can be all from you. That sweet little baby purse is something that I have for you in your room! I am so sad you never got to play with it. I hope you are playing with something like that where you are, with the other little girl angels. I hope I hope I hope it is fun for you! But since I didn't want to give yours away, I just bought another one to give to the empty stockings. I hope it makes another little girl somewhere smile on Christmas. That little whale rattle also reminds me of you, because you had other things that were the same animal print... whales, monkeys, lions, penguins, giraffes, fishies, polar bears.. lots of cute little animal things for my Kathlyn! So that little whale rattle is from you, too!

I love you so much princess! Christmas is still a few days away, I know I will write to you again.. but I hope you have a big party with Jesus on that day. I am so glad you are getting to know Him, since He saved your life! My sweet little angel is safe and cozy and waiting for me because of Him. What a special baby girl you are! You are still my baby! Kisses to you!

Love you forever,

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hi princess,
I love you! That is all. You are still my baby.


Friday, December 4, 2009

Ocean Size Love for Kathlyn

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between needs our attention

I see you right in front of me as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry anymore
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection

I see you right in front of me
A vision in my head
And I know this is as real as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

You make no sound but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends
Like the sea
Like you for me

And it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

Love you forever my princess,

Monday, November 30, 2009

4 months

Hi Princess!
I love you! Today you would be 4 months old.. what a big girl, you are growing so fast! Are you a newborn baby still, or are you 4 months old now? Mommy has so many questions! Remember, I don't understand what it's like where you are.. you will teach me all about it someday. What a big job for a little baby, teaching her mommy everything she knows! I wish I could take care of you, but you will take care of me instead. Mommy is so sad.. but I will be ok with it sometime baby girl, try not to worry. Mommy hopes you don't ever have to worry where you are. Or ever have to cry either. How many people get to go through life on earth and never ever cry?? That was you, my precious angel. I wish you were here with me.. and when you would cry, I would take care of you and get you through it and try to make it better. But now I can only hope you never have to feel sad or scared like I do.. I will cry enough for the both of us, my darling little heart.
I haven't written to you in a few weeks, I'm sorry baby. You know I think of you every day anyway.. every minute even! I knew I would write to you today, as I will always write on the 30th of each month, your special day. Except for February! February only has 28 or 29 days.. so I will have to write to you on the first of March instead!
You must have known that I would write to you today.. and you decided to write to me first! When I looked at my receipt from my breakfast at work this morning, I saw your name at the top! It said Katie! Usually I throw my receipt away right away at the trash by the register.. how did you know baby, how did you know I wouldn't throw it away today?? And that I would see your name! I was so happy to see your name, especially on your special 4 month birthday. You are amazing, Kathlyn. You do so many special things for me. You knew I would love to see that today. I felt like you were saying "Hi Mommy!" I love you too, princess. You are still my baby! Miss you all the way to the sky a million times.

Love you forever,

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hi sweetie,
I miss you so so much Kathlyn. Did you see that little baby I was taking care of at work? She was just your age! She was already holding up her head so strong, looking all around the room at everything, and she could even stand when her mommy held her up! WOW! My precious little Katie would be such a big strong girl already, yes you would! You would be kicking your little feet and smiling at Mommy when I give you belly kisses and tickles. How I long for that Kathlyn. I wonder so much what you would look like and what you'd be doing. I miss you baby, I miss you. It's a sad, difficult feeling that I can only hope that you've never, ever had to feel. I always remind you my sweet princess, that I don't understand what it's like where you are. I don't understand because I believe that you miss Daddy and me, and Gram, and Grandpa and Grandma D, and all your aunts and uncles and cousins and all of Mommy's and Daddy's friends who would have loved you so much. If you miss us, is that a sad feeling for you? I don't want you to be sad. I am sad enough for all of us. I know you don't want me to be sad, but I can't help it my darling. I want you here with me. You are my precious little baby and I love you with all my heart. It is so sunny and warm here today even though it's winter. And I wish you were here with me so we could enjoy the sunshine together. But that is another thing I can hope for.. that ALL the days for you and Granddaddy are uncloudy. And that when you miss us, it doesn't hurt. And that you're never sick with disease and suffering like that little baby I was taking care of at work. That is my wish and my hope for you, sweetheart. I would rather you were here with me... and I would get you through the hard times and the sickness... take away the pain when I could. But Mommy doesn't have a choice. Mommy doesn't always get what she wants. So that is my wish for my beautiful, perfect baby daughter, my angel baby forever. My princess Katie, you are still my baby, forever and ever. Kisses to the sunny sky for you. Send me something pink again soon, it warms my heart to think that you are with me.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

what else is there?

Hi Princess!
I just wanted to tell you that I love you. That is all, my sweet angel... that I love you and that I miss you. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Baby's First Halloween

Hi Katie!
Today is your official first holiday.. Halloween! If you were here with Mommy (oh how I wish I wish I wish you were my baby), I would have dressed you up like a little duckie! Duckie's say, quack quack! I can imagine you being a little older and learning your animal sounds. How cute you would have been, making little quacking sounds.. my sweet little beautiful duckling. This duckie outfit belonged to one of your little friends! Can you guess which one Kathlyn? Little Baby Lauren! Her mommy gave it to me, for you, at my baby shower. So cute! Mommy was sooo excited! I hope where you are, you can play dress up whenever you want with Granddaddy and all the little baby angels that you've met. You don't have to wait for Halloween... you can play whenever you want, yes you can! I bet you love to dress as the little princess that you really are. And the candy! I bet the candy where you are is just everywhere and so yummy for my little baby. Granddaddy sure loves orange slices, doesnt he baby girl! Those were his favorite! He never liked chocolate.. that was all for Mommy and Gram. I wonder which one you would have liked. Daddy doesnt really like chocolate either. He will eat it (Granddaddy would never touch it!) but Daddy's real favorite is starburst and gummy bears and skittles. Silly Daddy! He loves the sweet stuff! And you too! He loves his sweet little baby girl. We miss you so much, little angel. We love you! Remember for always and always and always Katie, you are still my baby. Peek-a-BOO! Happy First Halloween, my little duck.

Love you forever,

Friday, October 30, 2009

3 months

Hi Sweetheart!
Today is your 3 month birthday! You are such a big girl! I have to ask you again baby girl, maybe someday Mommy will get an answer or a sign.. are you really 3 months old now, or are you a newborn baby forever? Maybe you are a newborn baby waiting for Mommy just the way you left us.. but maybe you are growing and becoming even more beautiful with Granddaddy and Jesus. Which one is it my love?? I just wish I understood better about what it's like where you are. I know it's a wonderful place since you're there, the most beautiful little baby angel anyone has ever seen. You are my precious little girl! I am imagining what you'd be doing today as a 3 month old. You would have hit so many milestones.. Mommy would be so proud of her beautiful little princess! I bet you'd be smiling so big all the time now.. what a gorgeous smile you must have.. a smile that lights up the room. Everyone would smile when Kathlyn smiles.. who could resist that beautiful baby face?! I love that face!! I wanna kiss it! And I bet you'd be holding your head up some now.. Mommy's big strong healthy girl. And I bet you'd have an interest in all your toys and bright colors and you'd be watching intently at everything in the room and grasping on to everything and anything your sweet little fingers could reach. Oh I miss my little Kathlyn, and each and every little thing you'd be doing. Mommy loves you! Send me something pink today, sweetheart, and every day. It warms my heart when I feel you near. You are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hi baby!
I miss you! Sending lots of kisses and tickles to the sky for you! Thank you for sending me that purple paci last week Kathlyn.. you clever little stinker! Mommy asked you for pink and you showed Mommy that you know how to send purple too! Mommy forgot that purple was for baby girls too.. AND Mommy forgot that YOU are the boss! My baby Katie is in charge.. silly baby! Mommy loves you! You go ahead and send me whatever you wanna send me, that's right baby girl, whatever you want, and Mommy will love it. Because I love YOU! Kisses for you! You are just the sweetest little baby Mommy has ever seen! Were you there with me at work last week too Kathlyn? Did you help me when I made that little baby stop crying? I felt like you were there, yes I did my baby, yes I did, so thank you for coming to see me. Another big kiss for you, kiss kiss kiss on those pretty little baby cheeks. I wish it was you with me instead of that other baby, having a bottle and just being a sweet little baby, doing simple sweet little baby things. But instead you are Mommy's special angel baby. I'm sorry that you have to see me crying so much for you baby.. I'm just not used to you being an angel instead of being here with me and being a regular baby. I love you anyway though! Mommy loves you SO MUCH! I hope God tells you all about that, I ask Him to alllll the time Kathlyn. I ask Him to tell Kathlyn that I love her.. that's YOU! Mommy's pretty little baby Kathlyn. I just can't stop thinking about kissing you! You're so pretty, Mommy can't resist! Kiss kiss kiss! I hope you can feel my kisses! They are so full of the love I have for you.

Were you there today too Kathlyn, when I was making Kylie laugh? I bet it was YOU making her laugh so Mommy could have a little smile hearing that sweet baby laugh.. what a wonderful sound. I wonder if you would be laughing yet if you were here. I bet you laugh all the time where you are... you laugh at Granddaddy, he's so funny! Yes he is, Granddaddy's so funny and silly and he loves you so much too. And I bet you laugh with Jesus because He is just the most wonderful person that ever lived and He loves you too.. how special you are, that you got to meet Him already. Mommy is so selfish though, Mommy wishes you were here! Because I just love you so much! Are you here with me, kissing me back, baby girl? Are you laughing with Kylie for me, so I can hear you? Maybe you are crying when she's crying so I can hear that too. I wanted to hear you cry.. I bet you had the sweetest little baby cry.. you were just so sweet all around! Mommy loves you! Remember baby girl, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. You know more than Mommy already even though you are just a baby! Are you still a newborn, or are you 12 weeks old now? What a big girl you are becoming, if that's true! Mommy's beautiful, special little baby always. I hope you are feeling so wonderful and safe where you are. But I hope you are coming to see me whenever you can. And I hope that you can feel all the kisses and hugs and love I have for you, yes I do, yes I do, all the love I have for you, because you are still my baby! And I miss you and hurt for you more than I hope you understand, because it is only happiness where you are and no hurting. I love you, Katie! One more special kiss.. a real big one this time! Wait for me Kathlyn, I can't wait to kiss you in person again!

Love you forever and ever,

Monday, October 19, 2009

Kathlyn, we miss you. We would have had so much fun, you, me, and Daddy. Kisses for you, you are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Friday, October 9, 2009

A song for you, Kathlyn. You are still my baby.
Love you forever,

Glory baby.. you slipped away as fast as we could say baby... baby.
You were growing, what happened dear,
You disappeared on us baby… baby.
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you
Until we’re home with you.

But we miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day
when we will hold you
We will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘til Mom and Dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would..
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
Heaven is your home,
And it’s all you’ll ever know,
all you'll ever know.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hi Katie!

Even though Daddy and I did so many nice things to honor you on our trip, I have missed writing to you! Again my sweet baby girl, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to write to you on the 30th. But that day we wrote your name in the sand! See?! Isn't it so pretty by the ocean? I bet it is so many millions of times prettier up where you are!

Here is a nice picture of Mommy and Daddy for you, too! What a beautiful view we had from our room! Daddy has the little pink puppy that we carry around to remember you, right in his pocket!! We sent the same bigger puppy with you to heaven, and also the puppy outfit to match. Do you have those with you baby girl? Remember, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. But those were our special presents for you to take with you as an angel.. the prettiest little angel ever! I hope you get a chance to play with that cute little puppy, and that Granddaddy gets to put you in the puppy outfit that we sent with you. The mini puppy reminds us so much of you! Mommy picked out that puppy outfit for you while you were in my belly, and Daddy picked out the puppy! They match so perfectly! And how sweet that Daddy has the puppy in his pocket, just like the tiniest little puppy that goes in your outfit pocket too! I wish so much that I got a chance to dress you in that sweet little outfit. I wish I wish I wish. That one was Mommy's favorite!

Mommy misses you! We had a very peaceful trip but we wished the whole time that you were with us. I bet you would love to swim and splash around in the water and look at the fishies with us. I miss my baby girl! No matter how beautiful the ocean or how cool the breeze or how much special alone time with Daddy, nothing compares to how much I love YOU! My special angel baby forever, I love Kathlyn! Kisses to the sky for you, kisses kisses kisses for my little darling. Can you send me some more pink things? I love seeing anything pink because it reminds me of you. I did see that pink dragonfly by that pond on the island, Katie! Did you send her for me?! I noticed all the other dragonflies were red but just that one flying around was pink. I have NEVER seen a pink dragonfly before! I know the angel Lauren sends her Mommy Donna a blue dragonfly at her graveside, it reminds her of Lauren's bright blue eyes. Miss Donna tells me that she thinks Lauren is teaching you how to be a special angel for Mommy. Maybe she is right! And that means you sent me that pretty pink dragonfly! I hope that was you Kathlyn, I hope I hope I hope. Because I love you and I would love if you were sending me things.. you are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Friday, September 25, 2009

Hi baby girl!

Mommy loves you! Thanks for sending me some pink things today Kathlyn! Mommy loved that stuff! I saw the pink carseat, the pink balloon, and the cute little girl with hair and eyes like you waving and smiling at me. That was wonderful! You are such a sweet girl to peek in and say hello to Mommy, just when I needed you! Kisses for my sweet baby girl, you are so thoughtful and generous and kind and beautiful. I wish you could be all those things here with Mommy! I would have taught you to be those things, my sweetie, yes I would have! I know Jesus and God and the angels and Granddaddy are teaching you just right for me. Mommy misses you, and Daddy too... but we are glad you are in good company! Kisses for you! Kisses and tickles, I love love love imagining kissing and tickling you (gently for now, since you are just a little bitty one) because I know it would make you smile and kick your sweet little happy legs for me. I just love little baby-kicky-legs. You are just the cutest little baby when you do that! I miss doing those thing with you, so so much. I love you!

Daddy and I are going on a little trip for a week. We are just too sad without our little Joy.. so we need to go somewhere special together, somewhere we have never been before and will never go again. We will be thinking of you the whole time! We are bringing one of the little pink puppies with us to remind us of you. Not that we need reminding! We will be writing your name everywhere we go. You come with us everywhere, that's right! Our precious little angel baby, never far away from Mommy and Daddy.

So Mommy is sad because I won't get to write you a special letter on your 2 month birthday on September 30th. But Mommy will be thinking of you every second that day, and every day. Listen for me, I will keep talking to you all the time like I always do. The kisses, the tears, the smiles, whenever I tell Daddy I love him, it's for you too Katie! You were made just because Mommy and Daddy love each other so much. What a special little girl you are! Mommy loves you! You are still my baby!

Forever and ever,

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Hi baby!
Sorry honey.. we didn't send balloons at the party today. I will send you one sometime my love, I promise. Kisses for you! But I wore one of your pink paci's clipped to my shirt so everybody knew I had the sweetest little baby angel up in heaven! Many of them could feel all of our children in the room. Were you there too?! I hope you were... I hope you were giving me kisses and taking little tastes of my brownies.. Mommy ate way too many! Daddy is home safely from work now.. we are going to sleep. Dreaming of you always! You are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Kathlyn,
I miss you! Today I am going to a little party with some other mommies and daddies in memory of all our children who are angels.. just like you! You are the sweetest angel there is! That's right, Mommy's little angel. Kisses for you, kiss kiss kiss. I think we are going to have balloons at this party! Balloons! I bet you would have liked balloons Kathlyn. I will try to pick a pink one to release into the sky for you. Look for it, ok sweetheart? Mommy loves you! You are still my baby.

Love and miss you so so sooo much,

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Dear Katie,
I miss you.. Daddy does too. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Dear God,
Since I didn't get to hold her and tell her about You, could you tell her about me instead?

Love You forever,

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Hi Babygirl,
I saw your friend baby Kylie today.. she came to our house! She is Mommy's little shadow baby of you Katie.. she stayed in her carseat sleeping almost the whole time she was here, so Mommy could talk to her Mommy and Daddy. Little Kylie made some sweet little baby noises while she was sleeping, Mommy thought it was so cute and I was thinking of you the whole time.. I know you would make so many cute little baby noises for me too! Kylie is a special little baby and you have to watch over her too! Such a big job for you, my little angel, but I know you will do it for Mommy. Kylie went home with two sweet little outfits from your closet, and Mommy said "you have to put them on her very soon! And take a picture!" Mommy wants to see Kylie in these outfits because it reminds me of YOU! My precious baby girl! Kisses for you, kisses to the sky, kisses on your lips and on your sweet little belly and on your stinky feet! Kisses forever my angel, because I love you, and because you are still my baby! Missing you always.. and tell Granddaddy I said hello and give him one of the kisses. Here's three extras, kiss kiss kiss.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Oh.. and you are still my baby! One more kiss!


Blowing kisses to the sky for you.. kisses kisses and more kisses. Kisses on your darling little lips, on your cheeks, on your belly, on your hands, and on your sweetest little footsies.. kiss kiss kiss! I miss you!

Love you forever,

Monday, September 7, 2009

Hi baby girl!
I miss you! I have two very special things to show you my love. I hope you like them! Yes I do baby, I hope they warm your little angel heart. Kisses and tickles first.. kiss kiss kiss! I love you!

Daddy and I went for a ride the other day! We were thinking of you, and so we wrote your name at a very special park. This park has a fun playground and was built in memory of a special friend of Daddy's who is an angel now too. It was nighttime, so it was too dark to get a good picture. But here it is! Our sweet Kathlyn's name, that's you baby! We love you!

The other thing I have to show you is your friend Lauren! She is a sweet little girl who just turned one year old. She has two big sisters, and her Mommy and me were saying when you were in my belly that you would be a little sister for Lauren. Instead, you have a very special job.. you can look out for Lauren and her two sisters as a special guardian angel.. does that sound good, Katie, can you do that for Mommy? Remember.. Mommy doesn't understand how it is where you are. You will have to teach Mommy one day! You are Mommy's special angel, that's right my Kathlyn.. Mommy's very own little lovie! More kisses for you! My little angel! Kisses forever! So this is your very special friend Lauren. It makes Mommy sad to see Lauren and her big sisters Meghan and Nicki, but they also make Mommy smile. Lauren is wearing something so very special too. Do you know what it is, sweetie? It's one of YOUR OUTFITS!! That's right!! Isn't it so so cute?! Mommy was looking forward to putting this on you. But now that you aren't here, Mommy thinks it would be nice for all your little friends to wear something to remember you by. And Baby Lauren is the first!! When she is older, her Mommy and also me (YOUR Mommy forever!!) will tell her all about you and show her this outfit so they can know they have a special guardian looking out for them. You are Mommy's special girl in so many ways, Kathlyn Joy! Know what else baby girl? Mommy also gave Meghan and Nicki something of yours. They are too big for your clothes, Mommy didn't have any clothes big enough for them, but I gave them two of your little pink blankets because they love to play with dolls. So they will use your blankets to wrap up their dolls and give them hugs and kisses while they practice being little mommies. They know how special you are. Meghan gave Mommy a special picture that she drew and it says "We miss your baby." See how special you are baby?! So many people miss you! That picture is on the fridge at our house and it makes Mommy think of you.. even though I'm always thinking of you anyway! Always always always, because I love you so much! You are still my baby, Katie! Blowing kisses to the sky, and imagining kissing you always! MUAH!


Friday, September 4, 2009

Mommy loves you! You are still my baby, yes you are! Kisses for you.. sleep tight and wait for me, baby.

Love you forever,

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dear Kathlyn,
Mommy misses you so much tonight and wants to sing to you again.

Oh my love, my darling,
I hunger for your touch.
Alone, lonely times.
Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?

Lonely rivers flow to the sea
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh, "wait for me, wait for me"
I'll be coming home, wait for me.

My love, my darling
I've hungered, hungered for your touch, alone
lonely times.
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My darling Kathlyn,

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died.
'Cause you are always on my mind.

Love you forever,

Monday, August 31, 2009

1 month

Hi Katie!
Happy 1 month birthday! I hope you can feel how much Mommy misses and loves you, baby, but not how sad we are that you aren't here. Thinking of my beautiful one month old baby today and everyday.. kisses for you, lots and lots of kisses for my angel.
Love you forever,

Friday, August 28, 2009

Hello sweet girl,
Mommy misses you so much! It has been a hard two days because Daddy went back to work, so now I have to miss him, too. I hope you will help keep Daddy safe while he is at work. Did you wave goodbye to Daddy when he left, did you blow him kisses, did you pretty girl?! I imagined that you did.. he would have kissed you goodbye and I would have lifted your sweet little arm and waved and made you say in a squeakly little girl voice, "bye bye Daddy, I love you, be safe!" And I bet Daddy would have had to come back and get one more kiss after that, yes he would have! Because you are Daddy's pretty girl! And I know every night when he came home, he would have come straight to you for a kiss! I would have been a little jealous of you, isn't Mommy silly! Mommy can't compete with such a beautiful baby girl for Daddy's heart! Daddy's little girl, that's what you are, and will always always be. Mommy's girl too! That's right, Mommy's girl forever. I miss you Kathlyn. Gram was giving me hugs today while I was sad and she tells me that God is with you, and He's telling you how much Mommy loves you. Remember, Mommy doesn't understand about where you are, so I will always ask questions to you my baby. Is Gram right, is God telling you how much I love you? I hope He is. I am sending you so much love, but I want God to tell you too. I love you! I love my angel Kathlyn, my very own beautiful angel! Kisses and tickles for the beautiful baby. Can you send me some smiles? I wanna see your smiles Katie. I never got to see you smile, you were just too little when I met you to smile yet. I wonder again and again, are you 4 weeks old now, or are you a newborn forever? I wonder if you were here, what would you be doing now? Would you have smiled yet? Would you only want Mommy to nurse you, or would you be letting Daddy and Gram feed you with a bottle? You'd be so cute peeking out at Daddy from behind a bottle, so so cute my girl! I want to see those beautiful blue eyes looking at Daddy's blue eyes too. Such a pretty baby girl with beautiful blue eyes, that's Mommy's girl. I wonder if time would be going much faster than it is. Time is going slow for Mommy. But I bet it would be going faster if you were here. That's what other mommies say.. that time goes very fast when the children they love so much are growing up. So maybe by now, you would already be a year old! I imagine you getting all messy with your birthday cakes, isn't that silly?! What a cute little girl you'd be with your big pink birthday girl cake. Everyone would be taking your picture a hundred times and Mommy would have to show off ALL the pictures, because they would ALL be cute and I couldn't pick a favorite. I imagine you with cute hairbows and cute little girl shoes. I imagine you getting on the bus as a cute little school girl with a brand new first day of school dress every year. And I imagine you being a kind, beautiful, funny, smart, selfless woman one day. I would have taught you to be all those things, and I would have told you about Jesus, and to love God and to love people. All these things Mommy will never get to do with you, my sweet Kathlyn. All these things I won't get to do, but only to love you as much as I can with all my heart, ALL Mommy's heart! I don't have to teach you those things, because now you already know everything about the world. Mommy still knows that you are safe and happy where you are, even though I miss you so much, I am glad you are safe. Give Granddaddy a kiss from me and from Gram. Thank you for being my beautiful baby.. Mommy's beautiful girl forever! You are still my baby!
Love you always and forever,

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Hi Katie Baby!
I just wanted to say hello and give you some goodnight kisses, my pretty girl! I love you! Take some special time today to say hello to Mrs. Carol. She is almost like a distant Grandma to you, she is the Mommy of my very best childhood friend and on this day she has been an angel for 15 years! She is very missed here on earth like you, baby. Give her a hug and hello and a beautiful smile to brighten her day even more! You are so beautiful that I believe you make heaven even more beautiful for the other angels, yes I do baby girl, so so beautiful my angel! Big hugs and kisses and tickles for you. I love you and I hope soon you will do something to make me and Daddy smile.. we need it because we are so sad without you, our precious girl. We love you! We miss you! Lots more goodnight kisses for you angel. And a big, big hug, Mommy needs a big hug. HUG.. HUG.. HUG across the skies and above the clouds and beyond the stars for my baby, yes yes yes, lots of hugs for you, you are still my baby katie!
Love love looooove with another big hug,

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hi my angel,
It is very late and Mommy is so tired but as always, thoughts are of you. I am thinking of your bassinet in the corner of the room and I wish it was right here next to the bed with you inside of it so I could kiss you and watch over you and listen to you breathe. Mommy loves you so much! Daddy too.. he is having trouble sleeping.. I know he is thinking of you too. We love you Kathlyn! Sweet, gentle kisses for you, beautiful baby girl, while you are sleeping peacefully and we are awake, thinking and worrying over you as we would be if you were here.
Love you always and forever and longer than that,

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Hi again sweet girl,
It hasn't been very long since I last wrote to you, but I am thinking about you so much today. This would have been Mommy's special time with you if you were here, so it's hard to think of anything else honey. Did you read my first letter to Granddaddy? Or maybe he has to read them to you, since you are just a baby. You have to remember, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Is it so beautiful Katie? Granddaddy liked this one song called "Uncloudy Day" and Mommy thinks it's all about heaven. Is it always uncloudy in heaven? Always sunshiney? I bet it's sunshiney now that YOU'RE there, baby! Yes I bet it is, you are just a beautiful sunshiney angel! Mommy's little angel, that's right. Kisses and tickles for Kathlyn, the beautiful angel. I like to picture your beautiful smile and your little legs kicking like babies do when they're so happy. I try to picture myself talking to you and cooing at you, even though I am so sad without you.. can you help Mommy remember to try to stay happy for you? Can you please baby? I will try just for you. Mommy's beautiful, smiling, happy girl always, that's you my baby! Mommy loves you! So much! And Daddy too! There are so many people who love you and have prayed for you. People who don't even know you and don't even know Mommy and Daddy! Many people have heard our story and prayed for you, Katie, because you are so special, yes you are! So special! More kisses and tickles for you! I just want to scoop you right up and give you hugs and snuggles against my chest. That is where you belong, my sweetest angel. Right here with Mommy, always and forever and longer than that too! Now that you've learned all about heaven and are an angel, I still want to remind you how much I love you and if you were here you would feel that love coming from me. I would have kept you safe and been with you when you were crying. Now you are in heaven and is it true that there is no crying in heaven? Oh my sweet baby, I hope you aren't crying for Mommy. Mommy cries for you, but you don't have to cry for Mommy. You are an angel now, you are safe, my sweet baby girl. I love you! Yes I do, I love Baby Katie! Always always always! Kisses for my baby, kisses everywhere. Give Granddaddy kisses for me too. I miss him too and love him and I wish you both were here. He gives good hugs, I remember, so give him great big hugs all the time, that will feel good for you baby! And I will give good, big hugs to Daddy and Gram and I will think of you every time. Daddy and Gram have blue eyes like you Kathlyn. They are so pretty. I think of you when I see Daddy's eyes. Well I think of you all the time! But especially when I see Daddy's eyes. You can see Granddaddy has big brown eyes, those are Gram's favorite. She thinks of Granddaddy when she sees my brown eyes. But you got Daddy's blue eyes.. you are a little piece of him, yes you are! And a little piece of me too! What am I saying?? Silly Mommy.. Kathlyn is a BIG piece of Mommy and Daddy.. a big big big piece of us forever, yes you are. Mommy loves Baby Kathlyn! Yes I do, I love you forever and ever and ever, you are still my baby!
Love so so much,

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hi my baby,
I miss you so much! I usually don't know what to do when I miss you, which is always. There is another mommy who's baby is another little angel, who writes beautiful letters to him when she feels sad. Actually, she writes to him all the time, no matter how she's feeling! I thought this might be good for Mommy. I want to talk to you so bad, my little sweetie. I have so many questions for you. I'm so sorry you didn't get to stay with me baby. I wanted you, and Daddy did too, and Gram, and Uncle Brian and Uncle Tim, and Aunt Heather, and Grandma and Grandpa D and all your cousins too. You have six cousins! They are mostly boys, twin boys actually! But there is only 1 other girl, your cousin Sydney! The twins are named Reed and Christian, and Will and Aaron, and there is also baby Sawyer. We also have two doggies.. Mommy calls them the "pupsies" sometimes. We have lots of nicknames for them Katie, but their names are Deputy and Pepper. I bet Granddaddy told you all about them already. Or maybe you knew all about them as soon as you got to heaven. My little star, twinkle twinkle little star (Mommy wishes she could sing to you baby!), how I wonder what heaven is like for you. Did you meet Jesus first or Granddaddy? I bet it was Jesus, but I bet Granddaddy wanted Him to hurry up so he could get his hands on you so fast! Granddaddy loves you so much too, I bet I don't have to tell you that Kathlyn. He was a wonderful, wonderful Daddy to me and Uncle Brian and Uncle Tim. He was kind and gentle, and funny, and passionate and loving. I bet his mustache tickles you when you get kisses, does it baby girl? I bet it does. Mommy loves you so much, I wish I could give you kisses too. I wanna kiss your face and your hands and your belly and your stinky little feet and your whole body! Can you feel that baby girl? Can you? I hope you can, I hope, I hope. Your little feet were so cute and so long! So long like Daddy's. Daddy has monkey toes and so do you Katie! They were sweet little toes, I love them. I loved all of you my baby, yes I did. I am so sad you are not here with me, I miss you so much, so much. I am just going to pour it all out onto you somehow, the only way I can right now. There is so much Mommy doesn't understand. I bet you know more than Mommy already and you are only 3 weeks old! Are you baby, are you 3 weeks old now? Or are you a newborn forever? Part of me hopes you get to grow and be with your Granddaddy (he will take care of you now, don't worry baby, since Mommy and Daddy aren't there, Granddaddy will keep you warm and safe with God. Really I guess God is taking care of you forever, God and Jesus.. but I don't understand how it is baby. Maybe you can tell me someday. But I bet God and Jesus have lots of people to take care of, but Granddaddy, he is ALL YOURS!). But also part of me wants you to stay a baby until I get there so I can take care of you and watch you grow. I don't know when I will be there, my sweet baby. Right now I have to stay here with Daddy and someday we're gonna have a sister or a brother for you. But you are still my baby. Still our baby, Kathlyn forever and ever. We love you so much! Kisses and tickles to you baby! I am so sad without you, but I will try to stay happy for you. That's what Daddy and Gram say to me (and lots of people!), that you'd want me to be happy. So I will try. It's all for you my baby, my Katie. You are still my baby!
Love you and miss you forever,