Thursday, December 30, 2010

17 months

My dear Kathlyn,
I miss you so much.. I'm sorry I didn't write to you on Christmas; I mostly just slept all day to get over missing you for your 2nd Christmas. I cried and cried for you at church on Christmas Eve.. were you there baby girl? Were you with Mommy? I hope you were, but I wish I wish I wish you were on my lap in your sweet Christmas dress and shoes. I still can't believe it baby girl, everything we are missing out doing together. Today is Mommy and Daddy's wedding anniversary.. we will go have a nice dinner just the two of us, but I will still wish you were there. I would much rather have messy pizza with our baby than eat a fancy dinner alone. How could I have survived this long without you baby girl? It's the hardest thing Mommy has ever done. I miss you so much... you are still my baby. Send me something pink today, so I know you're ok. Kisses to the sky for you my angel.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

16 months

My little joy,
Mommy is so sorry I've gone a whole month without writing! It doesn't matter though, you know I think of you every minute.. and I talk to you too! Can you hear me, sweet princess? I love you so much! Mommy was so sad for you on Thanksgiving. It would have been your 2nd Thanksgiving and we would have taken you to visit Daddy's side of the family. You would have been the most beautiful girl in the room and the center of attention! Well, really you are the most beautiful girl in every room! I know you are the brightest sunshine, the freshest rain, the whitest snow and the coolest breeze. I imagined that you might have been frightened by so many new people, and you would have clung to Mommy so tight! I would have loved that, Kathlyn... my little baby girl hugs... how I miss them! And how I love you! You are still my baby, my toddler, my daughter, my everything. Kisses for Jesus and Granddaddy and Sissy for me, ok princess?

Love you forever,

Saturday, October 30, 2010

15 months

I love you! I miss you so much. Today you would be 15 months old. Is that how old you are, or are you Mommy's newborn baby forever? I would like to think that you're growing up and that Granddaddy and Jesus are teaching you so many things. My baby girl, how I wish it was Daddy and me who got to teach you. But I know you are safe where you are. I just miss you so much. Tomorrow would have been your 2nd Halloween and much more fun than last year. Last year you would have been too little to go out in the cold. I would have still dressed you up though and taken a million pictures! Because you're the cutest baby in the history of the world! This year you would be able to walk to a few houses and get some lollipops that I would let you eat. But Mommy would still worry and watch you so carefully! I would have dressed you as a puppy or a fairy or a ladybug or a bee or maybe even an angel..

I love you so much Princess... you are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Friday, October 15, 2010

A day to remember the babies

Just wanted to send you kisses. MUAH! Look down at the earth today.. there will be a wave of light going all around the world. It's all for you, baby doll! I hope you can see Mommy's especially. Show Sissy too. Love you forever! You are still my baby.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

missing my toddler

Dear Kathlyn,
My heart was heavier than usual last night. Mommy loves you and misses you so much! I think I used to get so sad looking at newborn babies, but now I get sad when I see sweet little toddlers your age. I see mommies at the hospital at work crying for their sick and hurt toddlers, and I cry for you. I'm so glad that you never felt pain and never will, but I would have gotten you through it like all mommies do. I wish you were here with Daddy and me toddling through the pumpkin patch. I bet you would say "ball!" to the pumpkins like most toddlers do! I would have worried that you would fall and bump your head on the platforms the pumpkins were sitting on. Mommy worries about everything! Silly Mommy! Do you get to see pumpkins and pretty fall leaves and drink hot chocolate and eat candy in the fall like we do here? Do you have everything you want and need? Does Granddaddy walk through the pumpkins with you? I hope he does. He missed out on his grandbabies too. He just has you! What a wonderful beautiful grandchild to know! I try to remind myself, Princess, that where you two are, you don't "miss out" on anything. It's just Mommy and Daddy who are sad without you. What a lonely place - every place without Kathlyn is lonely. I lived my whole life before without you, and now I don't know how to live the rest of it that way. I love you so much, baby girl! SO MUCH! I want to hold you and hug you so badly, my arms are still aching. I can trick my arms for a few minutes by holding babies at work, and it warms me up and makes me feel comfort. Are you there, baby? Are you there with Mommy and those other babies? I bet you can tell I'm thinking of you the whole time. My arms are tricked and calmed, but my heart knows, I will never hold you again until I'm up in the sky with you. That is such a heartbreaking sad, the kind of sad I hope that you can't even understand because you've never felt it. Can you feel how much I love you, babygirl? Do you know me, at least a little bit about me? I hope so my little doll. Send Mommy something pink so I know you are safe. You are still my baby! Kisses and hugs to the sky for you, and some extras to share with Sissy and Granddad. I love you, Princess.

Miss you forever,

Thursday, September 30, 2010

14 months

Hi baby,
I miss you! What a beautiful 14 month old toddler you would be now. You'd be walking and saying words and everyone would think you were just the cutest and sweetest little princess ever! You still are, I just know you are. For how beautiful my baby girl was on earth we cannot even fathom what you look like in heaven.
I'm sorry I didn't write to you much this month Kathlyn. I have been so busy and sleepy with work and with growing your new baby bubby or sissy, that I haven't been writing as much. But that does not mean that I don't think of you every second while at work, resting, planning for bubby or sissy, or even while sleeping! You are so important to me, whether I am writing or not! This month for October there are many special things done to honor you and your angel baby friends. It keeps Mommy going to honor you, my princess. I love you so much! Are you 14 months old now, or are you still a newborn baby forever? What about Sissy? Is she a newborn or just a special little soul to love since she never got to grow into newborn like you? Mommy wishes she understood what it's like where you are. Mommy wishes she could have taught you some things before you got to go learn it all. I would have done my very best for you Kathlyn. I'm so sorry you didn't get to feel my love on the outside. I didn't know. Can you feel it now? I hope so. I hope love and learning and happiness is all you will ever know. You are too special to deserve anything less. You are still my baby! Miss you more than is possible.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just for you

I couldn't sleep, baby girl. I miss you too much.

You're still mine, and I love you forever.

underwater she breathes,

she blooms,

without light,

with sound, with love.

in transparent silhouettes

she is photographed,

bloming perfection, love

hopes, dreams.

light of heaven becomes her

not the light of earth as expected

gentle, comforting sounds and touches

love even more eternal than a mother's.

above water

i can't breathe.

with sunlight

i no longer bloom.

all i hear is the cries of

brokenhearted mothers

struggling to breathe

to walk

to understand

to be understood.

we failed

and we were failed.

succeeding only at loving our babies.

leaves turn

snow falls

cherries blossom

birds take flight.

i breathe,

a different air than before,

air above water,

air she never felt.


she breathed,

occupied the space

under my heart

with love.

Monday, August 30, 2010

13 months


I love you so much baby girl. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you about your birthday yet. Mommy is just holding on and doesn't want it to be over. Your birthday doesn't really matter to me anyway - you are the most special thing in my life no matter what day it is. I think about you every single day and every single minute. You are still my baby. My first baby, forever, and nothing can change that. I will always tell people about you and how special you are, how beautiful you are, how much Mommy wanted you, even if it breaks my heart to speak of you without being able to hold you. I love you so much baby. My life has changed so much. It will never be the same without my baby girl. I'm so sorry I didn't get to tell you that in person. I'm so sorry you never got to feel my kisses from the outside. I will just hold on to the hope that you never ever feel the agonizing pain I'm feeling without you.

Can't wait to see you again, Princess. I will grab you and never let go. Maybe holding you for eternity will make up for not holding you for a lifetime.

Love you forever,

Friday, July 30, 2010

12 months

Hi princess!
Today is your birthday! Oh baby girl, how Mommy wishes so much that you were here. Watch closely today my darling.. lots of people are coming over to give Mommy and Daddy big hugs and to miss you with us today. We love you so much baby girl. I will show you all the pictures after the party. Get some of your angel babies (the ones who's Mommies are Mommy's friends!) to help you catch your balloons. Love you so much, you are still my baby.

Talk to you later!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

the day before

Hi my princess,
On this day last year you were still safe in Mommy's belly. Do you remember baby girl? I hope you do. I hope you remember and still feel all the love I had and still have for you. Tomorrow is your birthday. Are you a one year old toddler now Katie-cat, or are you a newborn baby forever? I wish I understood what it was like where you are. I know you are safe and happy and loved, but I still wish you were here because I would have given you those things too. What happened baby girl? Do you know? Did you know it was coming? I hope you didn't suffer and weren't scared. I hope that one second you were safe and warm inside Mommy and the next second you were safe and warm in the arms of Jesus. I miss you so much, beautiful girl. I will write to you again tomorrow. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Friday, July 23, 2010

Hi babygirl,
Miss you so much! I have been planning lots of nice things for your birthday in a week... can't wait to show you everything! Kisses to the sky for you, for Sissy, for Granddaddy.. you are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Baby's first 4th of July

Hi baby,
This is the last of your "first holidays". It would be your first 4th of July. I bet your favorite holiday would be 4th of July since it is in your birth month. That is why Mommy's favorite holiday was Easter, since it was usually in April like my birthday. Would you be afraid of fireworks, baby? Maybe not this year... maybe this year you would be mesmerized by the lights. Maybe you'd even fall asleep in Mommy's arms because we kept you up so late. Silly baby, you can sleep through anything! I bet next year, at almost 2, you would be terrified out of your mind! Poor Kathlyn. But Mommy doesn't have to worry about that, because I know you're never terrified or scared or sad or lonely where you are.

This is the sweet dress Mommy bought for you. I wish I wish I wish you could wear it today. Mommy was silly and bought the same shirts for Daddy and the puppies. They had one for a baby girl too. I wish I could have bought that one. I miss you, sweetheart. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

11 months

Hi Kitty Cat!
I have been missing you for 11 months. Mommy is so extra sad because after this, it will be more than a year. How could I possibly have been without you for a whole year? I don't even want to spend a minute without you, but a whole entire year! I love you so much Katie. Can you come back for your birthday? Is that allowed? Mommy knows it's not. But I wish I wish I wish. Send me lots of pink this month so I have lots of things to show to all your memorial birthday guests.
It's so hot here where Mommy and Daddy are. I wish I could take you to the pool and pick out a sweet little bathing suit for you. I wish I could put hairbows and sundresses on you.. you would be the cutest little girl there ever was in the history of the universe! That's right, YOU! What a lucky Mommy I am to have such a beautiful girl, but so unlucky that I didn't get to raise you. I know you are safe where you are, though. Do you get to dress up with hairbows and dresses where you are? Remember, Mommy has lots of questions, baby girl. There is no question about how much I love you though, forever and ever. Kisses to the sky princess, just for you, and a few extras for Sissy. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Hi Baby,
Please give your Granddaddy kisses today... one from you, one from me, and one from Gram. And I hope you send something special to Daddy today so he knows you're ok. Miss you more than the whole world, Katie-cat... yes I do, I miss your kisses, giggles tickles, and your sweet face. You are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Sunday, May 30, 2010

10 months

Oh Kathlyn,
We are so close to your birthday now. I just can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like you've been gone for years, and on the other, it seems like last week. Time doesn't make sense to me anymore baby.. time is just defined as "without you" and it doesn't matter how long it's been. Time without you hurts Mommy's heart so very much.

I took out one of your paci's... I don't really know why... and put it on the end table. Now every time I walk by, I think "oh, so that's what it looks like to have baby stuff around the house!" I have one of your paci's in my car too baby, so I don't know why this one is catching my attention so much, since I see the one in the car every day. It makes me want to ask Daddy to put your carseat back in there, to keep the door to your room open, to put your swing and bouncy seat in the living room, and your bottles in the dishwasher. A beautiful baby belongs here, safe in this house, but she's somewhere else. Still safe, still my baby, but somewhere else. Somewhere her Mommy and Daddy are not, and so sad without her.

Kisses to the sky for you and Sissy, today and every day.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Granddaddy's Birthday

Hi Kathlyn,
Today is a very special day... make sure you give Granddaddy so many kisses today for his birthday! I know he is so happy to have you there to help him celebrate. I know he holds on to you as tightly as he can! Yes he does baby girl! Mommy wishes she was there to be right in the middle of a hug so full of perfect love.

Show him this, Kathlyn. Did he send this to me? I saw it the other day. May is Granddaddy's month.. so of course I would see this in May!

Show him this too. I found it today, and it's perfect because it has a Granddad, Gram, and 7 little grandbunnies.. 5 boys and 2 girls, just like our family! Reed, Christian, Sawyer, Will, Aaron, Sydney, and YOU! And I think that pretty red balloon in the corner is for Cherry.

Or maybe you don't have to show him. Maybe he shows everything to you, because you're just a baby, and you can't read yet. I bet that is your special time with Granddaddy, when he reads you Mommy's letters. Remember my love, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Are you almost 10 months old now, baby? Or are you still a newborn? Do you know how to crawl yet? Or walk? Have you known how since you got to heaven? What about Granddad, is he 54 like when he died? Or is he 61 now? Or is he a different age? I wish I understood, Kathlyn. I wish I was there with you, and Granddad, and little Cherry too.

I've been watching Kylie grow the way that you would be. Yesterday she was wearing one of your outfits again. So cute! I wish you were here to wear these things. But I am glad to see what you might look like in them through your sweet friend Kylie. She's crawling now! It makes me wonder if you'd be crawling behind her. Two little best friends. How cute you would be together. Mommy gets so sad for what might have been. But Mommy needs the reminders that you have everything you need and more where you are. Mommy is the one missing out. And Daddy. And Kylie. And everyone else who would have known you. We are missing out, not my sweet Kathlyn, who is safe, warm, and so very loved where she is. That's right! You have the love of Jesus right next to you, who loves you more than anyone could. Even Mommy! That is hard to believe, because I love you SO SO SO MUCH baby girl! But I have to believe it's true so I can survive without you. My sweet little angel forever, you are still my baby.

Love you always,

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Balloon Release

For Kathlyn & Cherry.

Love you forever,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Hi little girl,
Mommy misses you so much! Today is Mother's Day, but that doesn't really matter to Mommy. I love and miss you and ache for you every day. You are still my baby, and I am still your Mommy. Give all your great-grandmas a kiss today, and thank them for helping to take care of you. You were named after them! And give Granddaddy a kiss from Gram.. she misses him on Mother's Day too. And send me a kiss, Kathlyn, today and every day.

Love you forever,

Friday, April 30, 2010

9 months

My dear precious little girl,
Mommy loves you! My sweet, beautiful little princess, my Katie-cat, I love you so so much. I'm sorry I never showed you those Easter and birthday pictures I said I would. Mommy has been so sad this month since your baby sissy went to heaven. I don't like to write to you as much when I'm sad, because I know you want me to be happy. It's not that I didn't want her to be with you, my sweet. I'm glad that she has you and Granddad. But it made Mommy very sad again that I didn't get to keep her. I love you both so much! I know you will take care of her and teach her everything you know. Mommy didn't get to find out if she was really your sister or your brother. That made Mommy so sad too, my darling. But I felt in my heart that she was a girl just like you. Another beautiful, precious daughter. Someday, I will find out for sure, when I meet both of you again. If Little Cherry is actually a boy, tell him I'm sorry! Silly Mommy! I would have loved him either way... I DO love him either way, and I know you do too. Give Cherry Baby kiss every day for Mommy! And hugs too! Kisses, hugs, tickles, everything that makes sisters feel special and happy. Run around together, ride bikes, have tea parties, play with dolls, hopscotch, color, chase dragonflies and lightning bugs, anything you want, I know where you are, it's all yours. I wish I was there to see it with you both. Mommy loves you so much!
Nine months since I lost you, my sweet Kathlyn. Mommy is so sorry I couldn't fix it. I didn't know baby. I would have done anything to save you, to keep you safe and warm and loved. My precious beautiful girl, I miss you so much. All the sad mommies have a hard time when their sweet babies have been gone for 9 months since that is how long a pregnancy is. They always say "now the baby has been gone for as long as we had the baby here." It's so hard for Mommy, baby girl. Really I spent my whole life without you, but now I don't know how to go back to living without you, since I got to know you so dearly. I miss you so much, I miss all the sweet baby things you'd be doing. You'd be laughing so much, sitting up, crawling, eating real food. Mommy just can't believe it, Kathlyn. I know you have everything you need where you are, but I still don't understand. What's it like where you are? Are you a newborn baby forever, or are you 9 months old now? What does Little Cherry look like? Does she look like you? Is she much smaller than you, or are you both the same size... Mommy's prettiest little newborns..
Miss you baby. Give sissy an extra kiss for me right now. Sleep tight and wait for us my sweet. You are still my baby.

Love you forever and ever,

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hi Baby,
Mommy is very sad missing you, and a very special someone I hope you are showing around and taking good care of. Give Little Cherry a big kiss for me. You are still my baby, and tell Cherry that too.

Love you forever,

Monday, April 5, 2010

Mommy's Birthday

Hi baby!

It is just the end of Mommy's birthday.. and I am soooo tired my Kathlyn. Daddy and I had a nice, busy day today, and since I'm carrying your little brother or sister now (do you know which it is?! Send me a sign my baby!) I get even more tired. I also spent all day today singing to you special songs while I was on the bike.. Did you hear them babygirl? And as always, I spent every minute missing you and using all my birthday wishes on wishing and wishing and wishing you were here... Mommy is so tired Kathlyn, so so tired. Did you see all your Easter presents? I will show you here tomorrow in case you can't see them where you are, and so all your friends' mommies can see too. I hope you can see and feel just absolutely everything I do for you already anyway babygirl. You are so special, and still my baby.

Love you forever,

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Baby's First Easter

Baby girl..

Mommy loves you so much, and is so sad today without you. Mommy and Daddy are going away for the day, and we will be back tomorrow after my birthday. I hope I feel better tomorrow baby girl, after some nice time with Daddy, so I can write to you again. Missing you today, tomorrow, and every minute. I wish you could have stayed, we would have had so much fun together. So, so sad.. but you are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My sunshine..

~The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms... when I awoke dear, I was mistaken.. so I hung my head and cried.. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away~

Love you forever Kathlyn,

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

8 months

Hi Baby Girl!
Mommy loves you! 8 months... I can't believe I've been missing you for 8 months... it feels like much longer, but I know if you were here with me like it should be, it would have felt like it went very fast and that you were growing into a sweet little toddler with pigtails and teeth instead of my little baby girl. Are you still a newborn, Kathlyn, or are you really 8 months old now? Mommy misses you so much, and I wish I understood what it was like where you are, or what it would be like if you were here.

Thank you Princess for sending me that pink paci when I was in Charleston with Daddy! You knew that Mommy should write your name in the sand that night on vacation; you just knew I should write your name right then, just one minute before I was going to see the pink paci. Just like I did before in October when you sent me that purple paci after I wrote your name with Deputy. You are so sweet to Mommy... you know just what I like to see... anything pink, beautiful, or baby... just like you! The most beautiful baby there ever was. I put a little K by the paci for the picture. Just for you!

I miss you so much Katie-cat. I wish you were here. Easter is coming, and then my birthday, and I wanted you to make a mess with icing and help me blow out my candles. I love you Angel... kisses to the sky for you always.

Love you forever,

Monday, March 15, 2010

Pink Cherry Cupcakes for Kathlyn and Ella

Hi baby girl!

Make sure you give baby Ella a birthday kiss today.. and I hope you have some nice yummy pink cupcakes with a cherry on top! You are Mommy's little cherry on top.. and so is your sweet little baby sibling that's in Mommy's belly. Mommy's little cherry babies! I miss you so much Kathlyn.. I wish you were here with me, making me even more tired than I already am. You are so worth being tired for! Missing you more often than every second. You are still my baby. Sleep tight and wait for me.

Love you forever,

Sunday, March 7, 2010

"When violet eyes get brighter, and heavy wings grow wider, I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.. I'll look at the world that I knew, I swear I won't forget you, oh if my voice could reach back through the past, I'd whisper in your ear, oh darling I wish you were here."

Mommy loves you so much, precious girl. You are my angel baby forever... such a beautiful girl, the most beautiful thing Mommy and Daddy have ever seen. You will always, always, always be our firstborn, always part of this family. We so badly wish you were here with us. We will always save a spot for you at the table, celebrate your birthdays, say your name, and cry for you. You are still our baby.

Love you forever,

Sunday, February 28, 2010

7 months

Hi Kathlyn,
Mommy loves you! I wonder if there is a reason up in heaven for Granddaddy or Jesus to tell you about time on Earth where Mommy and Daddy are... Remember, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are.. you will have to tell me someday! So I will tell you something about how it is here, even if you already know. The month of February only has 28 days (sometimes 29!)... so maybe in February Mommy won't have to be sad on the 30th. Except that Mommy is sad every day without her little princess Kathlyn. So I still wanted you to get your special monthly letter, even though there's no 30th. So here I am, writing to you on the last day of the month like usual. 7 months old! Wow! You would be doing so much here with Mommy and Daddy, maybe even crawling! You would be too young for me to teach you about the 12 months in the year, or 7 days in the week.. but you are so special in heaven, you get to find out much earlier than other babies here on earth. I still miss you so much though. I wanted to teach you all that stuff myself. We would have had so much fun together. So please baby girl, send me something pink so I know you're having fun where you are.. either with Granddaddy or Jesus or all other babies of sad mommmies who I've met here. Are you a 7 month old, crawling and playing with pink rattles, riding on a swing, getting tickled, putting everything in your mouth? Or are you Mommy's sweet newborn baby forever? Maybe all you need is love and kisses and warm milk and blankets and fancy pink pacis and you are always happy and peaceful. Either way, you are still my baby! Sleep tight and wait for us, my precious love.

Love you forever,

Saturday, February 20, 2010

My sweet Kathlyn,
I miss holding you against my chest. I miss holding you in my belly and feeling you move. I miss miss miss miss it so much. I want to freeze those moments in time.. just Mommy and Baby K. I love you so much, princess! You are still my baby.. sleep tight and wait for us, baby. Kisses to the sky as always.

Love you forever,

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Baby's First Valentine's Day

Hi Sweetheart,
Mommy loves you! You are Mommy's little valentine.. I wish you were here so I could give you so many kisses. You're too little for the chocolate kind, although I bet your sweet little teeth that are growing would chomp on them happily! Yes you would baby, you would think chocolate was so sweet and yummy! You would have to settle just for Mommy kisses though. Gram bought you a pink teddy bear for Valentine's Day. She bought the same one for your cousins Will and Aaron in the brown color. I put your K Bib on the bear and I've been snuggling with it on the couch all week. I bought you a little pink puppy since pink puppies make us think of you. Then I found a Mommy pink puppy and a Daddy brown puppy with a pink heart and I just had to have the family of 3 puppies! Daddy fussed at Mommy and said we had too many puppies! But then he bought another one for Mommy anyway since he knows I love anything that reminds me of our little princess.. that's YOU! The most beautiful little pink princess. I wish I could set you up between all your pink puppies for a picture. You would be six months old and just sitting up by yourself~! If you fell, it would be ok because you would land on the pink puppies and they are soft like clouds in heaven! Are you six months old where you are, baby girl? Or are you a newborn baby forever and ever? Remember Katie, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. You will have to tell me sometime.

I also gave Gram a card from you today. I put the card on the pink bear's lap and when Gram saw it, she said "OH! Thank you Kathlyn!" I "signed" it from you and put scribbles on it like you would have. I wonder if you would have written those marks, or just tried to suck on the pen! Probably both, silly girl! Putting everything in your mouth! So I also ripped a piece off the tip of Gram's card where you would have chewed it. Mommy can't leave anything alone with Kathlyn or the doggies because they will all get chewed to pieces. Oh no, baby girl! Oh no! Oh no! I can just see you laughing when I say "oh no, oh no!" over and over again. Your cousin Reed used to laugh when Mommy said "Oh no!" So I would say it over and over again and he would just laugh and repeat it after me. It was so cute, and I wish I could enjoy those moments with you, my precious daughter.

I also made you your own valentine and so did your friend Josh. He spelled your name wrong! He is too little to spell, so he just put the letters wherever he wanted. I guess he is your little boyfriend. Uh oh! Daddy better watch out!

Oh Katie-cat... we would have had so much fun together.

Kiss Granddaddy for me and for Gram.. let his mustache tickle your cheeks and your sweet fingers... and give Jesus a hug every day because He loves you so much too. You are such a special girl, and you are still my baby.

Love you forever,

Tell Ciaran that his Mommy made this for you!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

6 months

Hi Kitty Kat!
Today is your half birthday! I can't believe it.. time goes so slow for Mommy, I think it is that way for lots of people who are sad and longing for someone they love, baby girl. So sometimes it seems like you would be much older than that. But sometimes Mommy can't believe you would already be 6 months old - you're just a tiny baby! Are you 6 months old now where you are, or are you a newborn baby still? Remember princess, Mommy still doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Time goes slow for me but I bet time isn't something you are concerned with. I just hope you are safe, sweet angel. Thank you for sending me little signs here and there that you are. They make Mommy feel so much better. I hope you are beyond what is considered safe here on earth. I hope you are just even more spectacular and beautiful and happy than I could ever imagine. I still wish you were here. I would have kept you safe and beautiful and happy and we would have been spectacular together.

Yesterday Gram and I went out and bought some special pink pretzels and pink jellybeans to eat for your special day. Daddy loves those jellybeans! Silly Daddy! A big strong man like Dadddy eating all this pink stuff! We also got some flowers from Auntie Larisa delievered right to our door. Wasn't that sweet! She loves Mommy and you so much, she knew Mommy would think of you when I looked at the pretty pink flowers. The petals are so soft. I know if I let you touch one, you would put it straight into your mouth! My sweet baby, all these special little things I'm missing are just as sad as the big things. My sweet 6 month old little Kathlyn, putting everyting in her mouth. Mommy would say "oh no! Too many germs!" Silly Mommy. Always worried about everything. I also bought for you a special music box. The pretty music plays so sweetly and reminds me of a baby mobile. It says on it "Dear Daughter, you're always in my mind, even when we're apart.. remember, you are my sunshine, you're so dear to my heart, love always."

I am also missing you especially today because we got lots of snow for the first time this winter. I would have bundled you up and taken you outside to see the snow. I'm sure you would have put the snow in your mouth too! Maybe you wouldn't like it because it's tooooo coooooold. Buuurrrrrr, baby girl! Poor little cold pink nose and pink fingers! But if you cried I would give you hugs and kisses and take you inside where it's safe and warm. Anything for my sweet Kathlyn. I took a picture outside on the deck of your name, just for you, and I put some of the flower petals all around it. Some of Mommy's friends are taking pictures of your name too! You are so loved, Kathlyn. So many people think of you every single day. You are such a special baby! Can you feel it? I hope, sweet princess. I hope you know how very loved you are. Kisses to the sky, my angel baby. Kisses and tickles and beautiful snowflakes and pink things and hugs and tears and more kisses forever and ever. You are still my baby. Miss you with all my heart.

Love you forever,

P.S. Your puppies got their pawprints on your name, sorry baby! Silly puppies! They don't like the cold very much! Especially not Pepper! He shivers out there! Deputy doesn't mind as much but he'd rather be inside with Mommy and Daddy.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Baby girl,
Nothing can take your place. Nothing can make it better.

I am upside down without you.

I hope you're ok princess. I miss you, but I hope you're ok where you are. Please be ok where you are. I'm so sorry baby, Mommy so, so sorry.

All this heartache over one pretty little baby, my cherry on top, my Kathlyn Joy, the joy of my life, my long awaited, my sweet little bundle, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

What will I do without you precious, what will I do?

You're still my baby.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Helping Preemies

Hi baby girl!

Missing you today as always. Say hi to sweet angel sisters Carly and Hannah for me, and give them a kiss for their mommy, Rachel. She is trying to help babies here who are sick in the hospital. So I am going to leave this little video for as many people to see as possible. I know you wouldn't mind that I'm using your space to help other little babies. And, you're still mine.

Love you forever,

Preemie Onsie Drive

Click above for the address.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Thank you, Kathlyn. I'm glad you are safe. I love you so much sweetheart. You're still my baby.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hi Katie,
I love you, and I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If I had known, I would have done things so differently. I would have given my life for you. I hope you didn't suffer, not even for a nano-second. Send me something pink tomorrow if you didn't suffer, and so I know you're safe. I know you angels like to do things on your terms. But please Kathlyn. Mommy misses you so much. If this is the way it has to be, where the universe has you taking care of me instead of the other way around.. then so be it. Something pink, my little princess. I will be watching.

You are still my baby.

As always,