Wednesday, December 30, 2009

5 months

Hi Princess,
I can't believe it's been 5 months since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like it's been 5 years and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. To me, you should still be a newborn baby, because that was the last time I saw you. So tiny and fragile and completely dependent on Mommy and Daddy. We would have taken such gentle care of you, princess. But really you should be a beautiful little 5 month old now. Sitting up on your own (but oopsie, falling down backwards all the time, poor little princess!), smiling and cooing at us, not yet afraid of strangers so EVERYONE wants to hold Kathlyn and Mommy just wants her back! I know you'd have such big personality already too. I just can't believe I'm missing out on all of that. My heart is broken without you princess. I know you don't understand that feeling at all, because you are safe where you are. But I would have done my very best to keep you safe here. And I'm sorry that I didn't, princess. I'm sorry you had to go. Can you come back? Pretty please? I would have a lot of explaining to do if you did! Wow! But Mommy would figure something out. Anything to have my baby back. My little princess. Happy 5 months in heaven, my sweet.
Today is a special day for Daddy and me, too. Today, 3 years ago, Daddy and I got married. It was a cool but mild winter day. It was raining just a little, but we got married outside and it was perfect. We have such a perfect, pure love for each other, and that is what made YOU... Kathlyn Joy Davis, the one and only ever little princess. I looked at Daddy the other day while he was sleeping and I could see your face. You look just like Daddy... the two most beautiful people I have ever seen. How did I get such beauty surrounding me? Oh Kathlyn, I wish you could stay so I could see how much more beautiful you would have become. What a site for my sore, tired eyes. I'm sorry, angel. I hope you can understand, but without the hurt or pain, how sad I am. How could I not be sad without you? You're my baby! My daughter, my only child! I grew you inside me until you were just perfectly ready to come, and then you had to go... that was such a large piece of my heart, a large piece of everything inside of me. I feel so empty without you, Kathlyn. Is there anything you can do to make Mommy feel better? Mommy loves you.. Mommy is so selfish to want you here with me. There is hurt in this world and not hurt in the world where you are. But there is beauty in this world too. It's harder for Mommy to see right now, but it's there. And I would have shown you. We would have experienced it together. And I would have hoped to teach you to be a million times better person than I am. One day, I would have hoped to help you raise your babies too. After stories, playdates, homework, birthday parties, graduations, a wedding.. so many hopes and dreams for my baby.. all gone. I just can't think of anything sadder than a little newborn baby dying. I'm so sorry, Kathlyn. For everthing.. Mommy's so sorry. I love you. I love more deeply because of you. You're still my baby.

Always and forever,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Baby Hampton

Hi Katie-Bear,
Mommy loves you! Today make sure you say Happy 1st Birthday to Baby Hampton! I met his Mommy and we are both so sad without our sweet babies. I wish you could tell me.. is he a newborn baby still or is he a 1 year old now? Either way, I hope you get to play together and have some blue birthday cupcakes with him. I will write to you again tomorrow for your special day. Although I know every day in Heaven is special because YOU are there.. that's right.. you are the most beautiful baby girl angel there is and ever was. Mommy misses you and loves you so much! Kisses to the sky for you my angel, you are still my baby!

Love you forever,

Friday, December 25, 2009

It's Christmas, after all. So why not write you a hundred letters or more? I write them to you every second in my head anyway. Kisses to the sky baby girl. Mommy misses you! I would give anything, anything, anything to see you smile. Or to hear you cry. You are still my baby. And you are so loved and internationally mourned. Look at what Miss Catherine said about you. She lives in a different country from Mommy.. she lives in the United Kingdom. Catherine, Georgina's Mommy, is so very, very sad. Do you know baby Georgina, sweetheart? She's an angel too.

I turned the radio off.
I watched the cold snow falling in fat clumps.
I felt the fuggy warmth inside the car.
I felt the heat of the tears on my face.

I opened the window and whispered names into the cold, snowy air.
In a traffic jam.
On the outskirts of a boring suburban town.
Stuck on a motorway junction.
I whispered all the names I could think of.

I wish that I hadn't been stuck on a motorway junction.

I wish that I could have gone to a more beautiful location to remember (although the town I live in is one that is arguably improved by being rendered invisible beneath the snow.)

I wish that I could have said something more eloquent, more beautiful, more graceful.

But then, what could possibly be more graceful than their names.

I whispered all the names out of my car window.
The cold stung my face which was rosy from the car heater.

Then I said 'You are remembered. You are missed. You are loved.'

Then I put the window up.
The traffic hadn't moved an inch.
For a moment, I almost felt as though we had gathered for that purpose.
To remember.
That we were waiting for the end of the ceremony.
That we would disperse immediately my last whisper steamed up into the snowy air.

But of course, we didn't.
I sat there in the traffic jam and I cried some more.
For all those whose lives were so short. Whose moments between the big horizons of human life were so brief, so tentative.
For all of us here who miss them so. Who love them so.

I miss you and love you so, my baby. Can you hear when we say your name?

I love you, Kathlyn Joy.

Forever and ever yours,
oh! I forgot! Tell Jesus that I said "Happy Birthday!" Thanks, baby girl!

Here also are two poems that Mommy found that made me think of you. They came with two sweet little angel pins.

"I'll Be Home for the Holidays"
This thoughtful little angel is bringing a message your way.
Listen very carefully, and this is what you'll hear it say.
It's that time of year when it's really sad to be apart,
So, I'll be home for the holidays,
if only in your heart.

"Happy Holidays to My Daughter"
Christmas trees, mistletoe and holiday cheer,
it is a busy time of year.
A time to reflect, a time to think of those we hold so dear.
A time to send messages upon thoughtful little angel wings.
Messages to wish you wonderful things,
and all the JOY the season brings.

Love you forever,

Baby's First Christmas

My little Christmas angel,
Mommy loves you! I know you aren't here with us.. but Daddy and I wanted to give you some things for Christmas. Remember sweet angel, we don't know what it's like where you are. You can teach us all about it some day. What a special girl you are, to teach your Mommy and Daddy. Where you are, you must have all the presents you want! I hope so my princess. But we still wanted you to have some presents here too. Mommy bought you a Christmas blanket, a bib that looks like a present, a police car, an angel doll, a pink phone that plays music, and a sweet red sleeper that says "baby's first Christmas." The white sleeper is from Mommy's friend (the same one that gave you your duckie costume for Halloween!). Your friend Lauren wore it for Christmas last year! Gram sent a very special pink puppy that you can name a star with! She also sent you your puzzle bench that all the cousins get after they are born! But my very favorite present for my baby girl is this doll named Joy. She has dark hair and blue eyes, just like you, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl. And her name is Joy just like your middle name! She's going to sit in your crib next to your new elephant there too. He plays "rock a bye baby" when you pull his tail! I hope you have all these things to play with where you are. And I hope someday your little baby sister and brother can play with your things.. and Mommy will think of you! I think of you ALWAYS, Kathlyn. You are still my baby!

Love you forever,

*for those reading Katie's letters, click to see the full photos, as the too-thin blogging area doesn't show the whole thing. Katie-baby, I hope you can see everything from where you are, sweet angel! Kisses for you...

Monday, December 21, 2009

oh Kathlyn,
I miss you so much. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I search and search and search for something to make it ok.. to make sense of this. But I will never be able to do that. I will never find anything that will make you not being here ok. No matter how many more babies I have, it will never be ok without you Kathlyn. I was so happy and exicted waiting for you: the happiest of my life, baby girl. And I didn't get to bring you home. I want to ask you for something to make me feel better; but there's nothing. Only going back in time and being able to bring you home with me would make it better. And I don't think God would let you do that.

I'm so sorry sweet baby. You're still mine.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Kathlyn's Stockings and Ornaments

Hello my sweet!
I just wanted to show you some of the things I have for you around the house! Mommy has FOUR stockings for you Kathlyn. That's right my baby, you are so special you get to have FOUR! One that says Katie, which matches Daddy's! One that says Kathlyn, and two that are PINK for a baby girl! Your friend baby Lauren, and her sisters Meghan and Nicki, used the pink one with the snowman when they had their first Christmases, and their mommy wanted you to have it. She gave it to me when yo were still inside of me, but we knew you were going to be a girl! So sweet! I think I might put it up every year for you anyway, baby girl, even when it isn't your first Christmas anymore. Because you are still my baby, forever! I also wanted you to see all the pretty angels and ornaments we have for you. You will just have to wait until Christmas to see the presents!

Love you forever,

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas Presents to honor Kathlyn

Hi angel,
I miss you! Mommy is so sad that you aren't here to celebrate the Christmas season with me. I know I would be buying so many nice things for you, and that makes me so sad. I have to remind myself that you have EVERYTHING you need where you are. I still wish you were here.. you are still my baby. Kisses for you my angel.. kisses forever and ever.. I hope even though you have everything you need and more, that you can still feel my kisses.... they are part of it, right?! Part of all that love you feel where you are? I hope so, princess. Mommy loves you so much!

I want to show you all the things that I bought for some little girls who might not have everything a little girl should have for Christmas like Daddy and I would have been able to provide for you, our sweet little princess. Mommy tried to pick out some of your toys to give to those girls, but I just couldn't do it! I want to keep your toys for now. They remind me of you... they are YOURS. I am not ready to give them away, my sweet. So I bought some new things instead. The first picture is for a little baby named Katherine and she is 3 months old... that is almost your name and almost your age.. isn't that sweet and perfect, baby girl?! I thought so. Her name was on something called an "Angel Tree" which people can buy things for little children in need. Those were your diapers, and that is your little pink outfit and your little brunette angel there. The rest, Mommy bought for sweet little Katherine, to be from you, my sweet little Kathlyn! I hope she loves her things, even though she will never know they came straight from the sweetest little baby angel there is! The little dolls, when you push their bellies, say "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight, Amen." Mommy thought that was so perfect! I bought the blonde baby for her, and the brunette one dressed like an angel to keep in your room.

The second picture is also for little children in need, but I don't know their names or their ages, baby girl. Maybe you can peek and find out for yourself! They are just for a special group called "The Empty Stocking" and I decided to buy all baby toys again so it can be all from you. That sweet little baby purse is something that I have for you in your room! I am so sad you never got to play with it. I hope you are playing with something like that where you are, with the other little girl angels. I hope I hope I hope it is fun for you! But since I didn't want to give yours away, I just bought another one to give to the empty stockings. I hope it makes another little girl somewhere smile on Christmas. That little whale rattle also reminds me of you, because you had other things that were the same animal print... whales, monkeys, lions, penguins, giraffes, fishies, polar bears.. lots of cute little animal things for my Kathlyn! So that little whale rattle is from you, too!

I love you so much princess! Christmas is still a few days away, I know I will write to you again.. but I hope you have a big party with Jesus on that day. I am so glad you are getting to know Him, since He saved your life! My sweet little angel is safe and cozy and waiting for me because of Him. What a special baby girl you are! You are still my baby! Kisses to you!

Love you forever,

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hi princess,
I love you! That is all. You are still my baby.


Friday, December 4, 2009

Ocean Size Love for Kathlyn

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between needs our attention

I see you right in front of me as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry anymore
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection

I see you right in front of me
A vision in my head
And I know this is as real as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

You make no sound but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends
Like the sea
Like you for me

And it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

Love you forever my princess,