Still my baby

Kathlyn,
It's Christmas, after all. So why not write you a hundred letters or more? I write them to you every second in my head anyway. Kisses to the sky baby girl. Mommy misses you! I would give anything, anything, anything to see you smile. Or to hear you cry. You are still my baby. And you are so loved and internationally mourned. Look at what Miss Catherine said about you. She lives in a different country from Mommy.. she lives in the United Kingdom. Catherine, Georgina's Mommy, is so very, very sad. Do you know baby Georgina, sweetheart? She's an angel too.

I turned the radio off.
I watched the cold snow falling in fat clumps.
I felt the fuggy warmth inside the car.
I felt the heat of the tears on my face.

I opened the window and whispered names into the cold, snowy air.
In a traffic jam.
On the outskirts of a boring suburban town.
Stuck on a motorway junction.
I whispered all the names I could think of.

I wish that I hadn't been stuck on a motorway junction.

I wish that I could have gone to a more beautiful location to remember (although the town I live in is one that is arguably improved by being rendered invisible beneath the snow.)

I wish that I could have said something more eloquent, more beautiful, more graceful.

But then, what could possibly be more graceful than their names.

I whispered all the names out of my car window.
The cold stung my face which was rosy from the car heater.

Then I said 'You are remembered. You are missed. You are loved.'

Then I put the window up.
The traffic hadn't moved an inch.
For a moment, I almost felt as though we had gathered for that purpose.
To remember.
That we were waiting for the end of the ceremony.
That we would disperse immediately my last whisper steamed up into the snowy air.

But of course, we didn't.
I sat there in the traffic jam and I cried some more.
For all those whose lives were so short. Whose moments between the big horizons of human life were so brief, so tentative.
For all of us here who miss them so. Who love them so.

I miss you and love you so, my baby. Can you hear when we say your name?

I love you, Kathlyn Joy.

Forever and ever yours,
Mommy