Wednesday, December 30, 2009

5 months

Hi Princess,
I can't believe it's been 5 months since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like it's been 5 years and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. To me, you should still be a newborn baby, because that was the last time I saw you. So tiny and fragile and completely dependent on Mommy and Daddy. We would have taken such gentle care of you, princess. But really you should be a beautiful little 5 month old now. Sitting up on your own (but oopsie, falling down backwards all the time, poor little princess!), smiling and cooing at us, not yet afraid of strangers so EVERYONE wants to hold Kathlyn and Mommy just wants her back! I know you'd have such big personality already too. I just can't believe I'm missing out on all of that. My heart is broken without you princess. I know you don't understand that feeling at all, because you are safe where you are. But I would have done my very best to keep you safe here. And I'm sorry that I didn't, princess. I'm sorry you had to go. Can you come back? Pretty please? I would have a lot of explaining to do if you did! Wow! But Mommy would figure something out. Anything to have my baby back. My little princess. Happy 5 months in heaven, my sweet.
Today is a special day for Daddy and me, too. Today, 3 years ago, Daddy and I got married. It was a cool but mild winter day. It was raining just a little, but we got married outside and it was perfect. We have such a perfect, pure love for each other, and that is what made YOU... Kathlyn Joy Davis, the one and only ever little princess. I looked at Daddy the other day while he was sleeping and I could see your face. You look just like Daddy... the two most beautiful people I have ever seen. How did I get such beauty surrounding me? Oh Kathlyn, I wish you could stay so I could see how much more beautiful you would have become. What a site for my sore, tired eyes. I'm sorry, angel. I hope you can understand, but without the hurt or pain, how sad I am. How could I not be sad without you? You're my baby! My daughter, my only child! I grew you inside me until you were just perfectly ready to come, and then you had to go... that was such a large piece of my heart, a large piece of everything inside of me. I feel so empty without you, Kathlyn. Is there anything you can do to make Mommy feel better? Mommy loves you.. Mommy is so selfish to want you here with me. There is hurt in this world and not hurt in the world where you are. But there is beauty in this world too. It's harder for Mommy to see right now, but it's there. And I would have shown you. We would have experienced it together. And I would have hoped to teach you to be a million times better person than I am. One day, I would have hoped to help you raise your babies too. After stories, playdates, homework, birthday parties, graduations, a wedding.. so many hopes and dreams for my baby.. all gone. I just can't think of anything sadder than a little newborn baby dying. I'm so sorry, Kathlyn. For everthing.. Mommy's so sorry. I love you. I love more deeply because of you. You're still my baby.

Always and forever,
Mommy

4 comments:

  1. Strength to you, Beth. A beautiful note to your daughter...

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  2. Thinking of you and your daughter, Beth.

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  3. Happy 5 months in Heaven, Kathlyn
    ((hugs))

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