Sunday, May 30, 2010

10 months

Oh Kathlyn,
We are so close to your birthday now. I just can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like you've been gone for years, and on the other, it seems like last week. Time doesn't make sense to me anymore baby.. time is just defined as "without you" and it doesn't matter how long it's been. Time without you hurts Mommy's heart so very much.

I took out one of your paci's... I don't really know why... and put it on the end table. Now every time I walk by, I think "oh, so that's what it looks like to have baby stuff around the house!" I have one of your paci's in my car too baby, so I don't know why this one is catching my attention so much, since I see the one in the car every day. It makes me want to ask Daddy to put your carseat back in there, to keep the door to your room open, to put your swing and bouncy seat in the living room, and your bottles in the dishwasher. A beautiful baby belongs here, safe in this house, but she's somewhere else. Still safe, still my baby, but somewhere else. Somewhere her Mommy and Daddy are not, and so sad without her.

Kisses to the sky for you and Sissy, today and every day.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Granddaddy's Birthday

Hi Kathlyn,
Today is a very special day... make sure you give Granddaddy so many kisses today for his birthday! I know he is so happy to have you there to help him celebrate. I know he holds on to you as tightly as he can! Yes he does baby girl! Mommy wishes she was there to be right in the middle of a hug so full of perfect love.

Show him this, Kathlyn. Did he send this to me? I saw it the other day. May is Granddaddy's month.. so of course I would see this in May!

Show him this too. I found it today, and it's perfect because it has a Granddad, Gram, and 7 little grandbunnies.. 5 boys and 2 girls, just like our family! Reed, Christian, Sawyer, Will, Aaron, Sydney, and YOU! And I think that pretty red balloon in the corner is for Cherry.

Or maybe you don't have to show him. Maybe he shows everything to you, because you're just a baby, and you can't read yet. I bet that is your special time with Granddaddy, when he reads you Mommy's letters. Remember my love, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Are you almost 10 months old now, baby? Or are you still a newborn? Do you know how to crawl yet? Or walk? Have you known how since you got to heaven? What about Granddad, is he 54 like when he died? Or is he 61 now? Or is he a different age? I wish I understood, Kathlyn. I wish I was there with you, and Granddad, and little Cherry too.

I've been watching Kylie grow the way that you would be. Yesterday she was wearing one of your outfits again. So cute! I wish you were here to wear these things. But I am glad to see what you might look like in them through your sweet friend Kylie. She's crawling now! It makes me wonder if you'd be crawling behind her. Two little best friends. How cute you would be together. Mommy gets so sad for what might have been. But Mommy needs the reminders that you have everything you need and more where you are. Mommy is the one missing out. And Daddy. And Kylie. And everyone else who would have known you. We are missing out, not my sweet Kathlyn, who is safe, warm, and so very loved where she is. That's right! You have the love of Jesus right next to you, who loves you more than anyone could. Even Mommy! That is hard to believe, because I love you SO SO SO MUCH baby girl! But I have to believe it's true so I can survive without you. My sweet little angel forever, you are still my baby.

Love you always,

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Balloon Release

For Kathlyn & Cherry.

Love you forever,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Hi little girl,
Mommy misses you so much! Today is Mother's Day, but that doesn't really matter to Mommy. I love and miss you and ache for you every day. You are still my baby, and I am still your Mommy. Give all your great-grandmas a kiss today, and thank them for helping to take care of you. You were named after them! And give Granddaddy a kiss from Gram.. she misses him on Mother's Day too. And send me a kiss, Kathlyn, today and every day.

Love you forever,