Friday, April 30, 2010

9 months

My dear precious little girl,
Mommy loves you! My sweet, beautiful little princess, my Katie-cat, I love you so so much. I'm sorry I never showed you those Easter and birthday pictures I said I would. Mommy has been so sad this month since your baby sissy went to heaven. I don't like to write to you as much when I'm sad, because I know you want me to be happy. It's not that I didn't want her to be with you, my sweet. I'm glad that she has you and Granddad. But it made Mommy very sad again that I didn't get to keep her. I love you both so much! I know you will take care of her and teach her everything you know. Mommy didn't get to find out if she was really your sister or your brother. That made Mommy so sad too, my darling. But I felt in my heart that she was a girl just like you. Another beautiful, precious daughter. Someday, I will find out for sure, when I meet both of you again. If Little Cherry is actually a boy, tell him I'm sorry! Silly Mommy! I would have loved him either way... I DO love him either way, and I know you do too. Give Cherry Baby kiss every day for Mommy! And hugs too! Kisses, hugs, tickles, everything that makes sisters feel special and happy. Run around together, ride bikes, have tea parties, play with dolls, hopscotch, color, chase dragonflies and lightning bugs, anything you want, I know where you are, it's all yours. I wish I was there to see it with you both. Mommy loves you so much!
Nine months since I lost you, my sweet Kathlyn. Mommy is so sorry I couldn't fix it. I didn't know baby. I would have done anything to save you, to keep you safe and warm and loved. My precious beautiful girl, I miss you so much. All the sad mommies have a hard time when their sweet babies have been gone for 9 months since that is how long a pregnancy is. They always say "now the baby has been gone for as long as we had the baby here." It's so hard for Mommy, baby girl. Really I spent my whole life without you, but now I don't know how to go back to living without you, since I got to know you so dearly. I miss you so much, I miss all the sweet baby things you'd be doing. You'd be laughing so much, sitting up, crawling, eating real food. Mommy just can't believe it, Kathlyn. I know you have everything you need where you are, but I still don't understand. What's it like where you are? Are you a newborn baby forever, or are you 9 months old now? What does Little Cherry look like? Does she look like you? Is she much smaller than you, or are you both the same size... Mommy's prettiest little newborns..
Miss you baby. Give sissy an extra kiss for me right now. Sleep tight and wait for us my sweet. You are still my baby.

Love you forever and ever,

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful letter, Beth. I wish your girls could be with you right now. Sending you all my love. XOXO