Wednesday, October 13, 2010

missing my toddler

Dear Kathlyn,
My heart was heavier than usual last night. Mommy loves you and misses you so much! I think I used to get so sad looking at newborn babies, but now I get sad when I see sweet little toddlers your age. I see mommies at the hospital at work crying for their sick and hurt toddlers, and I cry for you. I'm so glad that you never felt pain and never will, but I would have gotten you through it like all mommies do. I wish you were here with Daddy and me toddling through the pumpkin patch. I bet you would say "ball!" to the pumpkins like most toddlers do! I would have worried that you would fall and bump your head on the platforms the pumpkins were sitting on. Mommy worries about everything! Silly Mommy! Do you get to see pumpkins and pretty fall leaves and drink hot chocolate and eat candy in the fall like we do here? Do you have everything you want and need? Does Granddaddy walk through the pumpkins with you? I hope he does. He missed out on his grandbabies too. He just has you! What a wonderful beautiful grandchild to know! I try to remind myself, Princess, that where you two are, you don't "miss out" on anything. It's just Mommy and Daddy who are sad without you. What a lonely place - every place without Kathlyn is lonely. I lived my whole life before without you, and now I don't know how to live the rest of it that way. I love you so much, baby girl! SO MUCH! I want to hold you and hug you so badly, my arms are still aching. I can trick my arms for a few minutes by holding babies at work, and it warms me up and makes me feel comfort. Are you there, baby? Are you there with Mommy and those other babies? I bet you can tell I'm thinking of you the whole time. My arms are tricked and calmed, but my heart knows, I will never hold you again until I'm up in the sky with you. That is such a heartbreaking sad, the kind of sad I hope that you can't even understand because you've never felt it. Can you feel how much I love you, babygirl? Do you know me, at least a little bit about me? I hope so my little doll. Send Mommy something pink so I know you are safe. You are still my baby! Kisses and hugs to the sky for you, and some extras to share with Sissy and Granddad. I love you, Princess.

Miss you forever,


  1. This made me cry. I had a sad night last night- first time I had to sleep with Grant's blanket in awhile.
    The pain is sometimes unbearable, I think. My dad always tells me to remember that his life is really so short compared to all eternity with our children in Heaven. That helps a little...just wish this life didn't feel as long as it does some days!
    Thanks for sharing your feelings; as these are the same feelings I have. Bless you!

  2. What a beautiful letter.. thank you so much for sharing it with us.
    Love and grace- Leslie

  3. Beth, I so wish she was in your arms, what a touching letter to your sweet girl.. I know she is looking down and you and knows how much you love and miss her, right along with your dad..((hugs))