Hi Katie,
I love you, and I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If I had known, I would have done things so differently. I would have given my life for you. I hope you didn't suffer, not even for a nano-second. Send me something pink tomorrow if you didn't suffer, and so I know you're safe. I know you angels like to do things on your terms. But please Kathlyn. Mommy misses you so much. If this is the way it has to be, where the universe has you taking care of me instead of the other way around.. then so be it. Something pink, my little princess. I will be watching.
You are still my baby.
As always,
Mommy
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
5 months
Hi Princess,
I can't believe it's been 5 months since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like it's been 5 years and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. To me, you should still be a newborn baby, because that was the last time I saw you. So tiny and fragile and completely dependent on Mommy and Daddy. We would have taken such gentle care of you, princess. But really you should be a beautiful little 5 month old now. Sitting up on your own (but oopsie, falling down backwards all the time, poor little princess!), smiling and cooing at us, not yet afraid of strangers so EVERYONE wants to hold Kathlyn and Mommy just wants her back! I know you'd have such big personality already too. I just can't believe I'm missing out on all of that. My heart is broken without you princess. I know you don't understand that feeling at all, because you are safe where you are. But I would have done my very best to keep you safe here. And I'm sorry that I didn't, princess. I'm sorry you had to go. Can you come back? Pretty please? I would have a lot of explaining to do if you did! Wow! But Mommy would figure something out. Anything to have my baby back. My little princess. Happy 5 months in heaven, my sweet.
Today is a special day for Daddy and me, too. Today, 3 years ago, Daddy and I got married. It was a cool but mild winter day. It was raining just a little, but we got married outside and it was perfect. We have such a perfect, pure love for each other, and that is what made YOU... Kathlyn Joy Davis, the one and only ever little princess. I looked at Daddy the other day while he was sleeping and I could see your face. You look just like Daddy... the two most beautiful people I have ever seen. How did I get such beauty surrounding me? Oh Kathlyn, I wish you could stay so I could see how much more beautiful you would have become. What a site for my sore, tired eyes. I'm sorry, angel. I hope you can understand, but without the hurt or pain, how sad I am. How could I not be sad without you? You're my baby! My daughter, my only child! I grew you inside me until you were just perfectly ready to come, and then you had to go... that was such a large piece of my heart, a large piece of everything inside of me. I feel so empty without you, Kathlyn. Is there anything you can do to make Mommy feel better? Mommy loves you.. Mommy is so selfish to want you here with me. There is hurt in this world and not hurt in the world where you are. But there is beauty in this world too. It's harder for Mommy to see right now, but it's there. And I would have shown you. We would have experienced it together. And I would have hoped to teach you to be a million times better person than I am. One day, I would have hoped to help you raise your babies too. After stories, playdates, homework, birthday parties, graduations, a wedding.. so many hopes and dreams for my baby.. all gone. I just can't think of anything sadder than a little newborn baby dying. I'm so sorry, Kathlyn. For everthing.. Mommy's so sorry. I love you. I love more deeply because of you. You're still my baby.
Always and forever,
Mommy
I can't believe it's been 5 months since you've been gone. Sometimes it feels like it's been 5 years and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday. To me, you should still be a newborn baby, because that was the last time I saw you. So tiny and fragile and completely dependent on Mommy and Daddy. We would have taken such gentle care of you, princess. But really you should be a beautiful little 5 month old now. Sitting up on your own (but oopsie, falling down backwards all the time, poor little princess!), smiling and cooing at us, not yet afraid of strangers so EVERYONE wants to hold Kathlyn and Mommy just wants her back! I know you'd have such big personality already too. I just can't believe I'm missing out on all of that. My heart is broken without you princess. I know you don't understand that feeling at all, because you are safe where you are. But I would have done my very best to keep you safe here. And I'm sorry that I didn't, princess. I'm sorry you had to go. Can you come back? Pretty please? I would have a lot of explaining to do if you did! Wow! But Mommy would figure something out. Anything to have my baby back. My little princess. Happy 5 months in heaven, my sweet.
Today is a special day for Daddy and me, too. Today, 3 years ago, Daddy and I got married. It was a cool but mild winter day. It was raining just a little, but we got married outside and it was perfect. We have such a perfect, pure love for each other, and that is what made YOU... Kathlyn Joy Davis, the one and only ever little princess. I looked at Daddy the other day while he was sleeping and I could see your face. You look just like Daddy... the two most beautiful people I have ever seen. How did I get such beauty surrounding me? Oh Kathlyn, I wish you could stay so I could see how much more beautiful you would have become. What a site for my sore, tired eyes. I'm sorry, angel. I hope you can understand, but without the hurt or pain, how sad I am. How could I not be sad without you? You're my baby! My daughter, my only child! I grew you inside me until you were just perfectly ready to come, and then you had to go... that was such a large piece of my heart, a large piece of everything inside of me. I feel so empty without you, Kathlyn. Is there anything you can do to make Mommy feel better? Mommy loves you.. Mommy is so selfish to want you here with me. There is hurt in this world and not hurt in the world where you are. But there is beauty in this world too. It's harder for Mommy to see right now, but it's there. And I would have shown you. We would have experienced it together. And I would have hoped to teach you to be a million times better person than I am. One day, I would have hoped to help you raise your babies too. After stories, playdates, homework, birthday parties, graduations, a wedding.. so many hopes and dreams for my baby.. all gone. I just can't think of anything sadder than a little newborn baby dying. I'm so sorry, Kathlyn. For everthing.. Mommy's so sorry. I love you. I love more deeply because of you. You're still my baby.
Always and forever,
Mommy
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Baby Hampton
Hi Katie-Bear,
Mommy loves you! Today make sure you say Happy 1st Birthday to Baby Hampton! I met his Mommy and we are both so sad without our sweet babies. I wish you could tell me.. is he a newborn baby still or is he a 1 year old now? Either way, I hope you get to play together and have some blue birthday cupcakes with him. I will write to you again tomorrow for your special day. Although I know every day in Heaven is special because YOU are there.. that's right.. you are the most beautiful baby girl angel there is and ever was. Mommy misses you and loves you so much! Kisses to the sky for you my angel, you are still my baby!
Love you forever,
Mommy
Mommy loves you! Today make sure you say Happy 1st Birthday to Baby Hampton! I met his Mommy and we are both so sad without our sweet babies. I wish you could tell me.. is he a newborn baby still or is he a 1 year old now? Either way, I hope you get to play together and have some blue birthday cupcakes with him. I will write to you again tomorrow for your special day. Although I know every day in Heaven is special because YOU are there.. that's right.. you are the most beautiful baby girl angel there is and ever was. Mommy misses you and loves you so much! Kisses to the sky for you my angel, you are still my baby!
Love you forever,
Mommy
Friday, December 25, 2009
Kathlyn,
It's Christmas, after all. So why not write you a hundred letters or more? I write them to you every second in my head anyway. Kisses to the sky baby girl. Mommy misses you! I would give anything, anything, anything to see you smile. Or to hear you cry. You are still my baby. And you are so loved and internationally mourned. Look at what Miss Catherine said about you. She lives in a different country from Mommy.. she lives in the United Kingdom. Catherine, Georgina's Mommy, is so very, very sad. Do you know baby Georgina, sweetheart? She's an angel too.
I turned the radio off.
I watched the cold snow falling in fat clumps.
I felt the fuggy warmth inside the car.
I felt the heat of the tears on my face.
I opened the window and whispered names into the cold, snowy air.
In a traffic jam.
On the outskirts of a boring suburban town.
Stuck on a motorway junction.
I whispered all the names I could think of.
I wish that I hadn't been stuck on a motorway junction.
I wish that I could have gone to a more beautiful location to remember (although the town I live in is one that is arguably improved by being rendered invisible beneath the snow.)
I wish that I could have said something more eloquent, more beautiful, more graceful.
But then, what could possibly be more graceful than their names.
I whispered all the names out of my car window.
The cold stung my face which was rosy from the car heater.
Then I said 'You are remembered. You are missed. You are loved.'
Then I put the window up.
The traffic hadn't moved an inch.
For a moment, I almost felt as though we had gathered for that purpose.
To remember.
That we were waiting for the end of the ceremony.
That we would disperse immediately my last whisper steamed up into the snowy air.
But of course, we didn't.
I sat there in the traffic jam and I cried some more.
For all those whose lives were so short. Whose moments between the big horizons of human life were so brief, so tentative.
For all of us here who miss them so. Who love them so.
I miss you and love you so, my baby. Can you hear when we say your name?
I love you, Kathlyn Joy.
Forever and ever yours,
Mommy
It's Christmas, after all. So why not write you a hundred letters or more? I write them to you every second in my head anyway. Kisses to the sky baby girl. Mommy misses you! I would give anything, anything, anything to see you smile. Or to hear you cry. You are still my baby. And you are so loved and internationally mourned. Look at what Miss Catherine said about you. She lives in a different country from Mommy.. she lives in the United Kingdom. Catherine, Georgina's Mommy, is so very, very sad. Do you know baby Georgina, sweetheart? She's an angel too.
I turned the radio off.
I watched the cold snow falling in fat clumps.
I felt the fuggy warmth inside the car.
I felt the heat of the tears on my face.
I opened the window and whispered names into the cold, snowy air.
In a traffic jam.
On the outskirts of a boring suburban town.
Stuck on a motorway junction.
I whispered all the names I could think of.
I wish that I hadn't been stuck on a motorway junction.
I wish that I could have gone to a more beautiful location to remember (although the town I live in is one that is arguably improved by being rendered invisible beneath the snow.)
I wish that I could have said something more eloquent, more beautiful, more graceful.
But then, what could possibly be more graceful than their names.
I whispered all the names out of my car window.
The cold stung my face which was rosy from the car heater.
Then I said 'You are remembered. You are missed. You are loved.'
Then I put the window up.
The traffic hadn't moved an inch.
For a moment, I almost felt as though we had gathered for that purpose.
To remember.
That we were waiting for the end of the ceremony.
That we would disperse immediately my last whisper steamed up into the snowy air.
But of course, we didn't.
I sat there in the traffic jam and I cried some more.
For all those whose lives were so short. Whose moments between the big horizons of human life were so brief, so tentative.
For all of us here who miss them so. Who love them so.
I miss you and love you so, my baby. Can you hear when we say your name?
I love you, Kathlyn Joy.
Forever and ever yours,
Mommy
oh! I forgot! Tell Jesus that I said "Happy Birthday!" Thanks, baby girl!
Here also are two poems that Mommy found that made me think of you. They came with two sweet little angel pins.
"I'll Be Home for the Holidays"
This thoughtful little angel is bringing a message your way.
Listen very carefully, and this is what you'll hear it say.
It's that time of year when it's really sad to be apart,
So, I'll be home for the holidays,
if only in your heart.
"Happy Holidays to My Daughter"
Christmas trees, mistletoe and holiday cheer,
it is a busy time of year.
A time to reflect, a time to think of those we hold so dear.
A time to send messages upon thoughtful little angel wings.
Messages to wish you wonderful things,
and all the JOY the season brings.
Love you forever,
Mommy
1BKyT69wGJw~~_35.JPG)
Here also are two poems that Mommy found that made me think of you. They came with two sweet little angel pins.
"I'll Be Home for the Holidays"
This thoughtful little angel is bringing a message your way.
Listen very carefully, and this is what you'll hear it say.
It's that time of year when it's really sad to be apart,
So, I'll be home for the holidays,
if only in your heart.
"Happy Holidays to My Daughter"
Christmas trees, mistletoe and holiday cheer,
it is a busy time of year.
A time to reflect, a time to think of those we hold so dear.
A time to send messages upon thoughtful little angel wings.
Messages to wish you wonderful things,
and all the JOY the season brings.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Baby's First Christmas
My little Christmas angel,
Mommy loves you! I know you aren't here with us.. but Daddy and I wanted to give you some things for Christmas. Remember sweet angel, we don't know what it's like where you are. You can teach us all about it some day. What a special girl you are, to teach your Mommy and Daddy. Where you are, you must have all the presents you want! I hope so my princess. But we still wanted you to have some presents here too. Mommy bought you a Christmas blanket, a bib that looks like a present, a police car, an angel doll, a pink phone that plays music, and a sweet red sleeper that says "baby's first Christmas." The white sleeper is from Mommy's friend (the same one that gave you your duckie costume for Halloween!). Your friend Lauren wore it for Christmas last year! Gram sent a very special pink puppy that you can name a star with! She also sent you your puzzle bench that all the cousins get after they are born! But my very favorite present for my baby girl is this doll named Joy. She has dark hair and blue eyes, just like you, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl. And her name is Joy just like your middle name! She's going to sit in your crib next to your new elephant there too. He plays "rock a bye baby" when you pull his tail! I hope you have all these things to play with where you are. And I hope someday your little baby sister and brother can play with your things.. and Mommy will think of you! I think of you ALWAYS, Kathlyn. You are still my baby!
Love you forever,
Mommy
*for those reading Katie's letters, click to see the full photos, as the too-thin blogging area doesn't show the whole thing. Katie-baby, I hope you can see everything from where you are, sweet angel! Kisses for you...
Mommy loves you! I know you aren't here with us.. but Daddy and I wanted to give you some things for Christmas. Remember sweet angel, we don't know what it's like where you are. You can teach us all about it some day. What a special girl you are, to teach your Mommy and Daddy. Where you are, you must have all the presents you want! I hope so my princess. But we still wanted you to have some presents here too. Mommy bought you a Christmas blanket, a bib that looks like a present, a police car, an angel doll, a pink phone that plays music, and a sweet red sleeper that says "baby's first Christmas." The white sleeper is from Mommy's friend (the same one that gave you your duckie costume for Halloween!). Your friend Lauren wore it for Christmas last year! Gram sent a very special pink puppy that you can name a star with! She also sent you your puzzle bench that all the cousins get after they are born! But my very favorite present for my baby girl is this doll named Joy. She has dark hair and blue eyes, just like you, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl. And her name is Joy just like your middle name! She's going to sit in your crib next to your new elephant there too. He plays "rock a bye baby" when you pull his tail! I hope you have all these things to play with where you are. And I hope someday your little baby sister and brother can play with your things.. and Mommy will think of you! I think of you ALWAYS, Kathlyn. You are still my baby!
Love you forever,
Mommy
*for those reading Katie's letters, click to see the full photos, as the too-thin blogging area doesn't show the whole thing. Katie-baby, I hope you can see everything from where you are, sweet angel! Kisses for you...
Monday, December 21, 2009
oh Kathlyn,
I miss you so much. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I search and search and search for something to make it ok.. to make sense of this. But I will never be able to do that. I will never find anything that will make you not being here ok. No matter how many more babies I have, it will never be ok without you Kathlyn. I was so happy and exicted waiting for you: the happiest of my life, baby girl. And I didn't get to bring you home. I want to ask you for something to make me feel better; but there's nothing. Only going back in time and being able to bring you home with me would make it better. And I don't think God would let you do that.
I'm so sorry sweet baby. You're still mine.
Love you forever,
Mommy
I miss you so much. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. I search and search and search for something to make it ok.. to make sense of this. But I will never be able to do that. I will never find anything that will make you not being here ok. No matter how many more babies I have, it will never be ok without you Kathlyn. I was so happy and exicted waiting for you: the happiest of my life, baby girl. And I didn't get to bring you home. I want to ask you for something to make me feel better; but there's nothing. Only going back in time and being able to bring you home with me would make it better. And I don't think God would let you do that.
I'm so sorry sweet baby. You're still mine.
Love you forever,
Mommy
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