Oh Kathlyn,
We are so close to your birthday now. I just can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like you've been gone for years, and on the other, it seems like last week. Time doesn't make sense to me anymore baby.. time is just defined as "without you" and it doesn't matter how long it's been. Time without you hurts Mommy's heart so very much.
I took out one of your paci's... I don't really know why... and put it on the end table. Now every time I walk by, I think "oh, so that's what it looks like to have baby stuff around the house!" I have one of your paci's in my car too baby, so I don't know why this one is catching my attention so much, since I see the one in the car every day. It makes me want to ask Daddy to put your carseat back in there, to keep the door to your room open, to put your swing and bouncy seat in the living room, and your bottles in the dishwasher. A beautiful baby belongs here, safe in this house, but she's somewhere else. Still safe, still my baby, but somewhere else. Somewhere her Mommy and Daddy are not, and so sad without her.
Kisses to the sky for you and Sissy, today and every day.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Granddaddy's Birthday
Hi Kathlyn,
Today is a very special day... make sure you give Granddaddy so many kisses today for his birthday! I know he is so happy to have you there to help him celebrate. I know he holds on to you as tightly as he can! Yes he does baby girl! Mommy wishes she was there to be right in the middle of a hug so full of perfect love.
Show him this, Kathlyn. Did he send this to me? I saw it the other day. May is Granddaddy's month.. so of course I would see this in May!
Show him this too. I found it today, and it's perfect because it has a Granddad, Gram, and 7 little grandbunnies.. 5 boys and 2 girls, just like our family! Reed, Christian, Sawyer, Will, Aaron, Sydney, and YOU! And I think that pretty red balloon in the corner is for Cherry.
Or maybe you don't have to show him. Maybe he shows everything to you, because you're just a baby, and you can't read yet. I bet that is your special time with Granddaddy, when he reads you Mommy's letters. Remember my love, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Are you almost 10 months old now, baby? Or are you still a newborn? Do you know how to crawl yet? Or walk? Have you known how since you got to heaven? What about Granddad, is he 54 like when he died? Or is he 61 now? Or is he a different age? I wish I understood, Kathlyn. I wish I was there with you, and Granddad, and little Cherry too.
I've been watching Kylie grow the way that you would be. Yesterday she was wearing one of your outfits again. So cute! I wish you were here to wear these things. But I am glad to see what you might look like in them through your sweet friend Kylie. She's crawling now! It makes me wonder if you'd be crawling behind her. Two little best friends. How cute you would be together. Mommy gets so sad for what might have been. But Mommy needs the reminders that you have everything you need and more where you are. Mommy is the one missing out. And Daddy. And Kylie. And everyone else who would have known you. We are missing out, not my sweet Kathlyn, who is safe, warm, and so very loved where she is. That's right! You have the love of Jesus right next to you, who loves you more than anyone could. Even Mommy! That is hard to believe, because I love you SO SO SO MUCH baby girl! But I have to believe it's true so I can survive without you. My sweet little angel forever, you are still my baby.
Love you always,
Mommy
Today is a very special day... make sure you give Granddaddy so many kisses today for his birthday! I know he is so happy to have you there to help him celebrate. I know he holds on to you as tightly as he can! Yes he does baby girl! Mommy wishes she was there to be right in the middle of a hug so full of perfect love.
Show him this, Kathlyn. Did he send this to me? I saw it the other day. May is Granddaddy's month.. so of course I would see this in May!
Show him this too. I found it today, and it's perfect because it has a Granddad, Gram, and 7 little grandbunnies.. 5 boys and 2 girls, just like our family! Reed, Christian, Sawyer, Will, Aaron, Sydney, and YOU! And I think that pretty red balloon in the corner is for Cherry.
Or maybe you don't have to show him. Maybe he shows everything to you, because you're just a baby, and you can't read yet. I bet that is your special time with Granddaddy, when he reads you Mommy's letters. Remember my love, Mommy doesn't understand what it's like where you are. Are you almost 10 months old now, baby? Or are you still a newborn? Do you know how to crawl yet? Or walk? Have you known how since you got to heaven? What about Granddad, is he 54 like when he died? Or is he 61 now? Or is he a different age? I wish I understood, Kathlyn. I wish I was there with you, and Granddad, and little Cherry too.
I've been watching Kylie grow the way that you would be. Yesterday she was wearing one of your outfits again. So cute! I wish you were here to wear these things. But I am glad to see what you might look like in them through your sweet friend Kylie. She's crawling now! It makes me wonder if you'd be crawling behind her. Two little best friends. How cute you would be together. Mommy gets so sad for what might have been. But Mommy needs the reminders that you have everything you need and more where you are. Mommy is the one missing out. And Daddy. And Kylie. And everyone else who would have known you. We are missing out, not my sweet Kathlyn, who is safe, warm, and so very loved where she is. That's right! You have the love of Jesus right next to you, who loves you more than anyone could. Even Mommy! That is hard to believe, because I love you SO SO SO MUCH baby girl! But I have to believe it's true so I can survive without you. My sweet little angel forever, you are still my baby.
Love you always,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Hi little girl,
Mommy misses you so much! Today is Mother's Day, but that doesn't really matter to Mommy. I love and miss you and ache for you every day. You are still my baby, and I am still your Mommy. Give all your great-grandmas a kiss today, and thank them for helping to take care of you. You were named after them! And give Granddaddy a kiss from Gram.. she misses him on Mother's Day too. And send me a kiss, Kathlyn, today and every day.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Mommy misses you so much! Today is Mother's Day, but that doesn't really matter to Mommy. I love and miss you and ache for you every day. You are still my baby, and I am still your Mommy. Give all your great-grandmas a kiss today, and thank them for helping to take care of you. You were named after them! And give Granddaddy a kiss from Gram.. she misses him on Mother's Day too. And send me a kiss, Kathlyn, today and every day.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Friday, April 30, 2010
9 months
My dear precious little girl,
Mommy loves you! My sweet, beautiful little princess, my Katie-cat, I love you so so much. I'm sorry I never showed you those Easter and birthday pictures I said I would. Mommy has been so sad this month since your baby sissy went to heaven. I don't like to write to you as much when I'm sad, because I know you want me to be happy. It's not that I didn't want her to be with you, my sweet. I'm glad that she has you and Granddad. But it made Mommy very sad again that I didn't get to keep her. I love you both so much! I know you will take care of her and teach her everything you know. Mommy didn't get to find out if she was really your sister or your brother. That made Mommy so sad too, my darling. But I felt in my heart that she was a girl just like you. Another beautiful, precious daughter. Someday, I will find out for sure, when I meet both of you again. If Little Cherry is actually a boy, tell him I'm sorry! Silly Mommy! I would have loved him either way... I DO love him either way, and I know you do too. Give Cherry Baby kiss every day for Mommy! And hugs too! Kisses, hugs, tickles, everything that makes sisters feel special and happy. Run around together, ride bikes, have tea parties, play with dolls, hopscotch, color, chase dragonflies and lightning bugs, anything you want, I know where you are, it's all yours. I wish I was there to see it with you both. Mommy loves you so much!
Nine months since I lost you, my sweet Kathlyn. Mommy is so sorry I couldn't fix it. I didn't know baby. I would have done anything to save you, to keep you safe and warm and loved. My precious beautiful girl, I miss you so much. All the sad mommies have a hard time when their sweet babies have been gone for 9 months since that is how long a pregnancy is. They always say "now the baby has been gone for as long as we had the baby here." It's so hard for Mommy, baby girl. Really I spent my whole life without you, but now I don't know how to go back to living without you, since I got to know you so dearly. I miss you so much, I miss all the sweet baby things you'd be doing. You'd be laughing so much, sitting up, crawling, eating real food. Mommy just can't believe it, Kathlyn. I know you have everything you need where you are, but I still don't understand. What's it like where you are? Are you a newborn baby forever, or are you 9 months old now? What does Little Cherry look like? Does she look like you? Is she much smaller than you, or are you both the same size... Mommy's prettiest little newborns..
Miss you baby. Give sissy an extra kiss for me right now. Sleep tight and wait for us my sweet. You are still my baby.
Love you forever and ever,
Mommy
Mommy loves you! My sweet, beautiful little princess, my Katie-cat, I love you so so much. I'm sorry I never showed you those Easter and birthday pictures I said I would. Mommy has been so sad this month since your baby sissy went to heaven. I don't like to write to you as much when I'm sad, because I know you want me to be happy. It's not that I didn't want her to be with you, my sweet. I'm glad that she has you and Granddad. But it made Mommy very sad again that I didn't get to keep her. I love you both so much! I know you will take care of her and teach her everything you know. Mommy didn't get to find out if she was really your sister or your brother. That made Mommy so sad too, my darling. But I felt in my heart that she was a girl just like you. Another beautiful, precious daughter. Someday, I will find out for sure, when I meet both of you again. If Little Cherry is actually a boy, tell him I'm sorry! Silly Mommy! I would have loved him either way... I DO love him either way, and I know you do too. Give Cherry Baby kiss every day for Mommy! And hugs too! Kisses, hugs, tickles, everything that makes sisters feel special and happy. Run around together, ride bikes, have tea parties, play with dolls, hopscotch, color, chase dragonflies and lightning bugs, anything you want, I know where you are, it's all yours. I wish I was there to see it with you both. Mommy loves you so much!
Nine months since I lost you, my sweet Kathlyn. Mommy is so sorry I couldn't fix it. I didn't know baby. I would have done anything to save you, to keep you safe and warm and loved. My precious beautiful girl, I miss you so much. All the sad mommies have a hard time when their sweet babies have been gone for 9 months since that is how long a pregnancy is. They always say "now the baby has been gone for as long as we had the baby here." It's so hard for Mommy, baby girl. Really I spent my whole life without you, but now I don't know how to go back to living without you, since I got to know you so dearly. I miss you so much, I miss all the sweet baby things you'd be doing. You'd be laughing so much, sitting up, crawling, eating real food. Mommy just can't believe it, Kathlyn. I know you have everything you need where you are, but I still don't understand. What's it like where you are? Are you a newborn baby forever, or are you 9 months old now? What does Little Cherry look like? Does she look like you? Is she much smaller than you, or are you both the same size... Mommy's prettiest little newborns..
Miss you baby. Give sissy an extra kiss for me right now. Sleep tight and wait for us my sweet. You are still my baby.
Love you forever and ever,
Mommy
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Mommy's Birthday
Hi baby!
It is just the end of Mommy's birthday.. and I am soooo tired my Kathlyn. Daddy and I had a nice, busy day today, and since I'm carrying your little brother or sister now (do you know which it is?! Send me a sign my baby!) I get even more tired. I also spent all day today singing to you special songs while I was on the bike.. Did you hear them babygirl? And as always, I spent every minute missing you and using all my birthday wishes on wishing and wishing and wishing you were here... Mommy is so tired Kathlyn, so so tired. Did you see all your Easter presents? I will show you here tomorrow in case you can't see them where you are, and so all your friends' mommies can see too. I hope you can see and feel just absolutely everything I do for you already anyway babygirl. You are so special, and still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
It is just the end of Mommy's birthday.. and I am soooo tired my Kathlyn. Daddy and I had a nice, busy day today, and since I'm carrying your little brother or sister now (do you know which it is?! Send me a sign my baby!) I get even more tired. I also spent all day today singing to you special songs while I was on the bike.. Did you hear them babygirl? And as always, I spent every minute missing you and using all my birthday wishes on wishing and wishing and wishing you were here... Mommy is so tired Kathlyn, so so tired. Did you see all your Easter presents? I will show you here tomorrow in case you can't see them where you are, and so all your friends' mommies can see too. I hope you can see and feel just absolutely everything I do for you already anyway babygirl. You are so special, and still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
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