Hi baby,
I miss you! What a beautiful 14 month old toddler you would be now. You'd be walking and saying words and everyone would think you were just the cutest and sweetest little princess ever! You still are, I just know you are. For how beautiful my baby girl was on earth we cannot even fathom what you look like in heaven.
I'm sorry I didn't write to you much this month Kathlyn. I have been so busy and sleepy with work and with growing your new baby bubby or sissy, that I haven't been writing as much. But that does not mean that I don't think of you every second while at work, resting, planning for bubby or sissy, or even while sleeping! You are so important to me, whether I am writing or not! This month for October there are many special things done to honor you and your angel baby friends. It keeps Mommy going to honor you, my princess. I love you so much! Are you 14 months old now, or are you still a newborn baby forever? What about Sissy? Is she a newborn or just a special little soul to love since she never got to grow into newborn like you? Mommy wishes she understood what it's like where you are. Mommy wishes she could have taught you some things before you got to go learn it all. I would have done my very best for you Kathlyn. I'm so sorry you didn't get to feel my love on the outside. I didn't know. Can you feel it now? I hope so. I hope love and learning and happiness is all you will ever know. You are too special to deserve anything less. You are still my baby! Miss you more than is possible.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Just for you
I couldn't sleep, baby girl. I miss you too much.
You're still mine, and I love you forever.
-Mommy
underwater she breathes,
she blooms,
without light,
with sound, with love.
in transparent silhouettes
she is photographed,
bloming perfection, love
hopes, dreams.
light of heaven becomes her
not the light of earth as expected
gentle, comforting sounds and touches
love even more eternal than a mother's.
above water
i can't breathe.
with sunlight
i no longer bloom.
all i hear is the cries of
brokenhearted mothers
struggling to breathe
to walk
to understand
to be understood.
we failed
and we were failed.
succeeding only at loving our babies.
leaves turn
snow falls
cherries blossom
birds take flight.
i breathe,
a different air than before,
air above water,
air she never felt.
underwater
she breathed,
occupied the space
under my heart
with love.
You're still mine, and I love you forever.
-Mommy
underwater she breathes,
she blooms,
without light,
with sound, with love.
in transparent silhouettes
she is photographed,
bloming perfection, love
hopes, dreams.
light of heaven becomes her
not the light of earth as expected
gentle, comforting sounds and touches
love even more eternal than a mother's.
above water
i can't breathe.
with sunlight
i no longer bloom.
all i hear is the cries of
brokenhearted mothers
struggling to breathe
to walk
to understand
to be understood.
we failed
and we were failed.
succeeding only at loving our babies.
leaves turn
snow falls
cherries blossom
birds take flight.
i breathe,
a different air than before,
air above water,
air she never felt.
underwater
she breathed,
occupied the space
under my heart
with love.
Monday, August 30, 2010
13 months
Kathlyn,
I love you so much baby girl. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you about your birthday yet. Mommy is just holding on and doesn't want it to be over. Your birthday doesn't really matter to me anyway - you are the most special thing in my life no matter what day it is. I think about you every single day and every single minute. You are still my baby. My first baby, forever, and nothing can change that. I will always tell people about you and how special you are, how beautiful you are, how much Mommy wanted you, even if it breaks my heart to speak of you without being able to hold you. I love you so much baby. My life has changed so much. It will never be the same without my baby girl. I'm so sorry I didn't get to tell you that in person. I'm so sorry you never got to feel my kisses from the outside. I will just hold on to the hope that you never ever feel the agonizing pain I'm feeling without you.
Can't wait to see you again, Princess. I will grab you and never let go. Maybe holding you for eternity will make up for not holding you for a lifetime.
Love you forever,
Mommy
I love you so much baby girl. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you about your birthday yet. Mommy is just holding on and doesn't want it to be over. Your birthday doesn't really matter to me anyway - you are the most special thing in my life no matter what day it is. I think about you every single day and every single minute. You are still my baby. My first baby, forever, and nothing can change that. I will always tell people about you and how special you are, how beautiful you are, how much Mommy wanted you, even if it breaks my heart to speak of you without being able to hold you. I love you so much baby. My life has changed so much. It will never be the same without my baby girl. I'm so sorry I didn't get to tell you that in person. I'm so sorry you never got to feel my kisses from the outside. I will just hold on to the hope that you never ever feel the agonizing pain I'm feeling without you.
Can't wait to see you again, Princess. I will grab you and never let go. Maybe holding you for eternity will make up for not holding you for a lifetime.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Friday, July 30, 2010
12 months
Hi princess!
Today is your birthday! Oh baby girl, how Mommy wishes so much that you were here. Watch closely today my darling.. lots of people are coming over to give Mommy and Daddy big hugs and to miss you with us today. We love you so much baby girl. I will show you all the pictures after the party. Get some of your angel babies (the ones who's Mommies are Mommy's friends!) to help you catch your balloons. Love you so much, you are still my baby.
Talk to you later!
Mommy
Today is your birthday! Oh baby girl, how Mommy wishes so much that you were here. Watch closely today my darling.. lots of people are coming over to give Mommy and Daddy big hugs and to miss you with us today. We love you so much baby girl. I will show you all the pictures after the party. Get some of your angel babies (the ones who's Mommies are Mommy's friends!) to help you catch your balloons. Love you so much, you are still my baby.
Talk to you later!
Mommy
Thursday, July 29, 2010
the day before
Hi my princess,
On this day last year you were still safe in Mommy's belly. Do you remember baby girl? I hope you do. I hope you remember and still feel all the love I had and still have for you. Tomorrow is your birthday. Are you a one year old toddler now Katie-cat, or are you a newborn baby forever? I wish I understood what it was like where you are. I know you are safe and happy and loved, but I still wish you were here because I would have given you those things too. What happened baby girl? Do you know? Did you know it was coming? I hope you didn't suffer and weren't scared. I hope that one second you were safe and warm inside Mommy and the next second you were safe and warm in the arms of Jesus. I miss you so much, beautiful girl. I will write to you again tomorrow. You are still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
On this day last year you were still safe in Mommy's belly. Do you remember baby girl? I hope you do. I hope you remember and still feel all the love I had and still have for you. Tomorrow is your birthday. Are you a one year old toddler now Katie-cat, or are you a newborn baby forever? I wish I understood what it was like where you are. I know you are safe and happy and loved, but I still wish you were here because I would have given you those things too. What happened baby girl? Do you know? Did you know it was coming? I hope you didn't suffer and weren't scared. I hope that one second you were safe and warm inside Mommy and the next second you were safe and warm in the arms of Jesus. I miss you so much, beautiful girl. I will write to you again tomorrow. You are still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Baby's first 4th of July
Hi baby,
This is the last of your "first holidays". It would be your first 4th of July. I bet your favorite holiday would be 4th of July since it is in your birth month. That is why Mommy's favorite holiday was Easter, since it was usually in April like my birthday. Would you be afraid of fireworks, baby? Maybe not this year... maybe this year you would be mesmerized by the lights. Maybe you'd even fall asleep in Mommy's arms because we kept you up so late. Silly baby, you can sleep through anything! I bet next year, at almost 2, you would be terrified out of your mind! Poor Kathlyn. But Mommy doesn't have to worry about that, because I know you're never terrified or scared or sad or lonely where you are.
This is the sweet dress Mommy bought for you. I wish I wish I wish you could wear it today. Mommy was silly and bought the same shirts for Daddy and the puppies. They had one for a baby girl too. I wish I could have bought that one. I miss you, sweetheart. You are still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
This is the last of your "first holidays". It would be your first 4th of July. I bet your favorite holiday would be 4th of July since it is in your birth month. That is why Mommy's favorite holiday was Easter, since it was usually in April like my birthday. Would you be afraid of fireworks, baby? Maybe not this year... maybe this year you would be mesmerized by the lights. Maybe you'd even fall asleep in Mommy's arms because we kept you up so late. Silly baby, you can sleep through anything! I bet next year, at almost 2, you would be terrified out of your mind! Poor Kathlyn. But Mommy doesn't have to worry about that, because I know you're never terrified or scared or sad or lonely where you are.
This is the sweet dress Mommy bought for you. I wish I wish I wish you could wear it today. Mommy was silly and bought the same shirts for Daddy and the puppies. They had one for a baby girl too. I wish I could have bought that one. I miss you, sweetheart. You are still my baby.
Love you forever,
Mommy
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